In this crazy place, you can't make up this kind of stuff

Please accept our apologies. Today we have produced a newspaper that falls short of the standards to which we aspire.

We aim to offer a short, sharp read that covers the key news of the day, stimulates the intellect, and provokes the occasional smirk. But space is limited and today we find ourselves in an embarrassing and unprecedented position: the really big news has forced us to omit several articles we would ordinarily have included.

Rather than use this column as we prefer to do - to pontificate, berate, harangue, agonise, lecture, moralise and preach - today we have elected to round up some of the stories we have been unable to accommodate elsewhere.

The ANC's proposal to move parliament from Cape Town to Pretoria has been scrapped. It will be located in Dubai.

Social Development Minister Bathabile Dlamini has insisted that when Cash Paymaster Services' one-year extension expires on March 31 next year, social grants must be paid out at bottle stores.

Western Cape Premier Helen Zille has been invited to join the board of Twitter when she is fired. "Our logo is blue and so is the DA's. We're in the tweet business and she's a twit. It's perfect," said a Twitter spokesman.

The new head of Ford in South Africa, Casper Kruger, has asked if he can hang on to the company car provided by his previous employer, Toyota. "It's a bit old but it's really, well, cool," he said.

Thwarted by political pressure from appointing Brian Molefe to replace Pravin Gordhan as finance minister, President Jacob Zuma has sent him to the department of trade and industry. "Fixing the National Liquor Authority will be his first job," said Zuma. "He has much experience in the area of shebeens."

Full details of these stories, and many more, are available on TimesLive, our online platform. Which, by the way, will not be carrying a spoof April Fool story tomorrow. Because at this moment in South Africa's history, it really isn't possible to make it up.