The Big Read: The sext lives of politicians

Yesterday I read something that truly shocked me.

According to the Sunday Times, Jeff Radebe, Minister in the Presidency, had allegedly sent texts and e-mails of a sexual nature to a young government photographer, asking her to send him nude pictures of herself.

Wait, I haven't got to the shocking part yet.

The photographer was reportedly suspended because of "improper behaviour" (we all know how hard this government comes down on improper behaviour) and, bizarrely, because of the sorts of clothes she wore in the presence of politicians.

That wasn't the shocking bit either. No, what stunned me was the reaction to the story. Because there, in black and white, I read experts suggesting that the sext scandal had scuppered whatever chance Radebe had of becoming president.

• Radebe apologises for sex text scandalMinister in the Presidency Jeff Radebe has apologised for his involvement in a sex text scandal. 

I'm not sure which country those experts have lived in for the last decade, but in my country we have a president who was tried for rape and came through it absolutely unscathed. His loudest supporter at the time suggested that his accuser had had a good time. It was a vile and vastly destructive thing to say, but that statement did not stop Julius Malema from becoming the leader of a large party and it won't stop him becoming president at some point.

• Mboweni warns about 'dirty political game' as Twitter pokes fun with #nudesforjeffFormer Reserve Bank governor Tito Mboweni has warned that politics is "going to be dirty" in South Africa as the race intensifies to replace President Jacob Zuma. 

Of course I'm not suggesting that Radebe hasn't got problems. No doubt he lies awake every night, tossing and turning on that huge pile of money that senior ANC people use instead of mattresses, fretting about the coming months.

For starters, he's got to time his leap off the sinking SS Zupta just right. Then there's the wording of his inevitable not-quite-apology. This, at least, is less stressful because he can just plagiarise someone else's: these days there's a new one almost every week, delivered by one of the coterie of arse-kissers who put Zuma in power and kept him there, becoming gigantically wealthy as they helped him sell the country to the highest bidder.

• Cabinet minister embroiled in text sex scandalMinister in the Presidency Jeff Radebe is embroiled in a text sex scandal that threatens to torpedo his ambitions for higher office. 

The rhetoric is pious, full of resolutions to do better, but every single one of them is saying that same thing: "Baby? Babe? Please pick up. I was going through some stuff back at Polokwane . and . Also it's not really my fault, you know? I mean, you don't know what he's like! He's .well . I just want to let you know I've changed and I promise this time it'll be different. For realsies."

Yes, Jeff Radebe has plenty to vex him, but if anyone in Zuma's South Africa still believes that explicit sexts are enough to hurt an embedded politician, they really haven't been paying attention.

The story has been sold as faintly salacious but one should be cautious of seeing the sexual exploits of powerful people as some sort of entertainment, given their potential for exploitation, a wildly skewed power balance, and, frankly, abuse.

Still, it did make me wonder about the secret, digital sex lives of our senior politicians. Assuming that some of them have secret affairs with relative equals, what exactly do they write in those sweaty-palmed exchanges?

After all, desire is a fairly honest emotion but how do you express it when you've been trained since Comradegarten to speak in euphemisms? Are you able to suggest a lunchtime quickie in a nearby hotel or does everything sound like a policy statement? "Our position is that we are generally in favour of a potentiality in which we boost job creation in both the hospitality and prophylactic industries."

Certainly, I would imagine that it's important to take into account someone's political ideology before embarking on a secret sext affair. For example, if an EFF member asks you for a picture that will make the earth move, he is almost definitely asking for a photo of a tractor-manufacturing plant in the former Soviet Union.

Likewise, if you're going to get steamy with a senior DA type, you should probably abandon some of your more traditional romantic preconceptions. "Send me a picture of you . No, that one's got a poor person in the background. Please put it on a bus to Wolwerivier and then take the pic again. OK. Good. Hot. Now show me the benefits of colonialism! Yes! Put on a pair of jodhpurs and straddle a railway line. Oh god yes, you really float my gunboat."

But whatever you do, and whomever you do it with, do not have an online affair with someone high up in the ANC. Because we all know how that ends.

He'll tell you he looks like Idris Elba. You'll ask for a picture. He'll send you a picture of Idris Elba. You'll say, "Wait, this is Idris Elba", and he'll say you're a racist who works for the CIA. You'll say, "It's over, I'm mailing a picture of a tractor-manufacturing plant to the Commander-In-Chief," and he'll beg you to stay. He can change. He was wrong. He'll do anything. Except, you know, actual governance.

Yes, we've all been there. Many still are. And it's time for that sordid little affair to come to an end.