Modify your car to run on liquid gold. It will work out cheaper in the long run.
Image: ERIC GAILLARD/REUTERS

This morning the price of petrol rose from Jesus Wept per litre to It Puts The Lotion On Its Skin per litre. To help cushion the blow, here is a list of handy cost-cutting methods to make your budget stretch a little further if you drive a car.

• Accelerate smoothly. (Cape Town: “accelerate” is a thing you can do with your car if you use that pedal on the right. Johannesburg: “accelerate” is a thing you can do with your car if you have previously done another thing called “braking”. Durban: this is a thing called “a column”. You’re doing super well to have got so far. Hang in there.)

• Don't drive in rush hour. This means you should not drive between 4am and 10.30am, 11am and 2.15pm, 2.17pm and 9.30pm.

• Work for national government. Well, I say “work” but you know what I mean. If you “work” very “hard” you will get a free car containing free petrol, thereby transforming your figurative free ride into a literal one.

• Modify your car to run on liquid gold. It will work out cheaper in the long run.

Read Eaton's full column on Times Select