How to help a child cope with the facts

20 November 2011 - 04:43 By Judith Ancer
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Life is hard, death and grief are inevitable, but we must face these realities and be honest about them to our kids

I EVENTUALLY came to blame the Lion King. My son was five and we were driving home after supper with family. It was one of those clear Highveld nights, crowded with stars and the full moon huge, bright and beautiful.

"Look at the stars and moon," I said. I didn't expect what came next. "I don't want to be a star in the sky," wailed my son.

His father tried to explain. Earlier that day when our son had asked what happens when people die, my husband, having been forced to watch the Lion King DVD too many times, turned to Disney for parenting strategies. Inspired by Mufasa, he explained that when we die we become stars in the sky.

As was age-appropriate, my son interpreted this literally and imagined himself suspended in the dark night-time sky, alone and bewildered. Enough to make even an adult weep.

So I did what any mother (psychologist or not) would do. I blamed my husband. Then I blamed the Lion King for upsetting my child.

But the truth is that adults find it hard to talk to children about death. We are afraid of upsetting them, giving them too much information or not handling children's grief properly.

And the situation is complicated because young children are not yet able to think abstractly. They make sense of death in the concrete fashion that other experiences are understood.

They might seem to accept that their mother has died, but the next day ask where their mother is. Or after they have been told that someone close to them has died and perhaps cried a little, they might go outside and seem to play quite normally.

It takes years for them to see beyond themselves, to put themselves into others' shoes and understand that they are not in control of the universe. When a friend or family member dies, it's not uncommon for children to blame themselves.

Something they did or said or felt might be interpreted as the cause of the death. Children often seem to ask questions out of nowhere. "What happens when people die?"; or "What will happen when you [the parent] die?"

Behind these questions are not so much a philosophical interest or morbid anxiety about death, but a need to know that someone will care for them should you die.

Have a plan in place for this and reassure them that someone they are close to would be there for them. You can also help children think about and prepare for the inevitability of death when someone not too close to them dies, such as a distant relative, or even when a pet dies. Use this opportunity to talk about the fact that death is part of our life cycle.

When someone close to a child dies, it is important that children are told as soon as possible by someone they know and trust. This should be in a simple, clear and factual manner, using phrases such as "dead" or "has died" to avoid confusing them.

It is unhelpful to children to resort to platitudes such as, "God takes the best." It's quite possible the child will then think: "If I'm good, will God take me as well?"

Always answer questions truthfully and as often as they're asked, and admit to not knowing the answer if necessary. If young children ask what "being dead" means, it can help to say something practical and specific such as, "A dead person can't breathe, or eat or talk and won't ever wake up."

If a parent, sibling or grandparent dies, it is worth considering including the child in the funeral.

When a friend of mine's father died, she was nine and was not allowed to attend the funeral. She was sent to the beach. For years after, she felt resentful as she had been excluded from an important [albeit extremely painful] milestone in her life.

That same friend recently lost her mother. She took her daughter to the funeral and prepared her by saying beforehand: "I'm very sad and I will cry but I will be okay."

That's a sensible approach.

Another good strategy is to brief someone beforehand who is close to your child but not as close to the person who has died, to step in and be there for them should you be overcome with distress.

However, if the child expresses a strong desire not to go the funeral, it would not be appropriate to force them to attend.

In general, children's coping with loss and bereavement is directly related to how adaptively the adults in their life manage their grief. As a community of friends, families and professionals, our most important role is to support children's caregivers and help them to help their children.

Life is hard, death and grief are inevitable, but we must face these realities and be gently honest about them to our children.

A tissue of well-meaning lies or clichés just won't do the job.

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