Relax, South Africa. It's all under control

I would like to take a moment to dispel some misconceptions about our government and the path upon which our country finds itself.

Firstly, I strongly object to gloomy suggestions that South Africa has become a banana republic. This is absolutely not true. Banana republics export bananas and are propped up by the United States, whereas South Africa has been importing bananas for the last few years and is not propped up by anything. Moving on.

Secondly, while I understand that the intimidation of leading journalists by thugs is a sinister turn of events, let us remember that the ANC has come out strongly in defence of the press.

At the weekend Police Minister Fikile Mbalula said that his ministry would "suffocate" people who go after journalists, which means that he is going to block them on Twitter and not invite them to be part of his entourage next time he goes to an awards show.

Some of you will be expecting him to arrest the traitor Andile Mngxitama and his henchpuppets, but this is wildly unfair. Employees of our Gupta-owned government can't just round up other Gupta employees. Can you imagine what hell it would raise in the HR department in Dubai if Puppet Enabler 15 just up and arrested Diversion Puppet 124?

No, at the very least Mbalula would have to fill in a Permission to Simulate Good Governance request form, have it rubber-stamped by Puppet Number 1, and then submit it to Head Office for approval. The whole thing could take months. So please, if Mbalula doesn't act against the traitors being paid to destroy our democracy, think of the clerks in Dubai and try to cut everyone a bit of slack.

Thirdly, I must address the distressing rumour that South Africa may be forced to seek a bailout.

I know why you're spreading these hurtful lies. You probably read RW Johnson's 2015 book, How Long Will South Africa Survive? in which he suggests that an IMF intervention is inevitable. Then, on Friday, you heard Malusi Gigaba say that if the economy continued on its current course, "we may have to seek assistance from quarters we have thus far avoided". You did the maths: Johnson plus Gigaba equals International Monetary Fund.

You are, happily, completely wrong. This government is not going to sell the country to the IMF. Because it's already owned by the IMF: Influential Moradabad Family.

Next, I want to refute the allegations that we are "becoming like Zimbabwe".

I understand why some of you might think along these lines. Last week we learned that the Guptas allegedly paid for our Minister of Wagging His Finger At Mine-Owners, Mosebenzi Zwane, to be flown to a hospital in New Delhi in 2015, presumably to have the last of his principles surgically removed in a groundbreaking six-hour operation. This, like a Matabeleland death warrant in the early 1980s, had Mugabe written all over it.

Then there's the news, emanating from the weekend's National Patronage Conference, that members of the Zuma faction support a referendum on land grabs à la Zimbabwe.

To be fair, this was always going to happen. The ANC government has been keeping that silver bullet in the chamber for years, stalling land reform and sitting on vast swathes of fallow ground, waiting for the right time to pull the trigger.

The looters at the top know, deep down, that you can't fool all of the people all of the time, no matter what those pustules at Bell Pottinger might whisper in your ear. They understand that, at some point, all the greed and incompetence are going to catch up with them; that eventually the people will demand a return on their investment. And when that day comes, only land will keep them at the trough.

However, despite these Zimbabwe-esque tendencies, I must insist that South Africa is not becoming Zimbabwe. For starters, we have a coast. And, unlike our blighted neighbours, we are still a magnet for those seeking a better life. Like Zimbabweans. And certain Indians. Is Zimbabwe attracting both the desperate poor and the despicable rich? No. I rest my case.

Finally, many of you have started worrying about a doomsday scenario in which the ANC steals the 2019 elections.

Again, I understand your anxiety. Our state captors have laid their plans incredibly thoroughly, burrowing into every aspect of our national life for at least a decade. Given how hard they've worked, it seems very unlikely that they would allow their investment to be left in the hands of unreliable voters. The Guptas have colonised South Africa and the last thing an empire wants is a free and fair election in one of its colonies.

But you can rest easy. The Zupta ANC is not going to try to steal the 2019 elections. It's going to try to buy them. With our money.

See? It's all going to work out. For some people.