Short Report

Amazing Grace... she was once lost‚ but now she's found? Or not

16 August 2017 - 13:17
Grace Mugabe
Grace Mugabe
Image: Katherine Muick

Amazing Grace! How sweet the clowns who saved this glam escapee! She once was lost but now she's fou - oh‚ wait‚ she isn't. Or is she?

On Wednesday morning‚ nobody was quite sure where Grace Mugabe was. Reputable news sources insisted she was in South Africa and also in Zimbabwe‚ giving rise to speculation that Robert Mugabe’s scientists had paused their efforts to clone Tony Blair (the Tone Clone will be chained to a wall so that Robert can lecture it‚ slap it‚ and‚ sometimes‚ lick it) and had instead perfected some sort of quantum splitting machine.

Of course‚ there is a much simpler explanation for how she came to be in two places at once.

Zimbabwe is the tenth province of South Africa. By being in Zimbabwe‚ she was in South Africa.

As we all remember‚ Zimbabwe’s premier (known as “Mr President” to make himself feel better about running South Africa’s poorest province) was on his way out until Thabo Mbeki intervened and gave him the job for life.

Since then he and Grace have successfully transformed Zimbabwe into a family business‚ focussing on three main exports: minerals‚ tobacco and Zimbabweans.

On Tuesday‚ however‚ it seemed that Grace had decided to open a Gauteng office specialising in another Mugabe Inc. side-line: extreme violence.

When allegations emerged that Mrs Mugabe had assaulted a woman in Johannesburg with an electric cable‚ many South Africans expressed surprise. Apparently they haven’t read a newspaper since 2000: anyone who has been even half awake this century knows that the recent history of Zimbabwe is one long assault‚ carried out by a couple of untouchable‚ self-appointed aristocrats‚ on an entire country.

Indeed‚ given the Mugabes’ relationship with law and order‚ it made absolute sense that Grace would report to the South African police‚ as reported on Tuesday afternoon. In Zimbabwe‚ police stations are campaign offices for her husband‚ full of lovely men with truncheons who help quell outbreaks of democracy. Perhaps she was footsore from shopping‚ felt in need of a little pampering and kowtowing‚ saw a sign that read “POLICE” and swished inside for a taste of home.

As for what happens next‚ well‚ Fikile Mbalula is all over it. Yes sir‚ Grace is in big trouble. Just like Andile Mngxitama. And Mduduzi Manana. Any minute now. For realsies. Seriously. Big trouble.

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