Short Report

Facebook founder for prez? This is what Zuckerberg should do...

Tom Eaton's short report

30 August 2017 - 14:31 By tom eaton
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Mark Zuckerberg
Mark Zuckerberg
Image: REUTERS

These are confusing times but at least we know who’s going to be in the White House between now and 2036: Mike Pence (inaugurated next year at a barbecue behind a second-hand car dealership)‚ Kanye (three terms because everyone has given up) and‚ finally‚ Mark Zuckerberg.

The American press is being conscientiously vague about Zuckerberg’s presidential ambitions: all is still speculation and rumour. Some are even saying that it’s all nonsense; that the Facebook mogul would never run for office.

Apparently they haven’t read the open letter he posted on his Facebook page on Monday.

The campaign speech – sorry‚ I mean the loving message to his new-born daughter – would have looked eye-rollingly obvious if Trump hadn’t dragged the bar so low‚ but even so‚ one couldn’t help reading it with growing astonishment.

“Childhood is magical‚” wrote Zuckerberg‚ a statement that was entirely true until about 2005. Now‚ of course‚ childhood is a place where terrified children inch their way though a minefield of online shame‚ tormented by the knowledge that their failings‚ real or imagined‚ will be broadcast to everyone they know if they put a foot out of line. Help from the adults? Sorry. They’re too busy writing cute‚ ironic posts illustrated with eyeball emojis about how bad your nappies smell or how exhausting you are.

And then the letter tips over into self-parody. “You only get to be a child once‚” writes Zuckerberg‚ “so don’t spend it worrying too much about the future.”

Now I understand that everyone has problems and we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors or inside triple-story self-sufficient apocalypse bunkers in New Zealand. But I have to wonder: what‚ exactly‚ would a child worry about whose father is worth $70-billion? Being forced to equip her pony with a manatee-hide saddle instead of one made of condor skin? Having to share a dining room on the space-cruise to Neptune with those goddamn Buffet grandchildren?

But don’t worry‚ guys: “We’ll do everything we possibly can to make sure the world is a better place for you and all children in your generation.” All children in your generation. Yes sir‚ the first-time voters of 2036 are being well looked after.

The thing is‚ if Zuckerberg really wants to make the world a better place‚ he doesn’t need to go to all the effort of running for office. He could just switch off Facebook forever. Ah‚ what a wonderful world that would be…

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