COMMENT: Feelings of helplessness felt by Bokgabo Poo's dad highlight need for societal reform

Time seemed to stand still in the crowded Benoni magistrate's court last October.

The courtroom became the scene for a father's cry: “You killed my daughter.” The cry was from Irvin Ndlovu, father of four-year-old Bokgabo Poo, who stretched out his arms towards the accused, Ntokozo Zikhali, ostensibly to get an explanation as to why his child had suffered such a macabre killing.

Ndlovu’s grief suddenly became a key moment in the documenting of this horrific event. A man accessing his emotions and expressing them in full view is not something you see every day. 

The scene was heart-wrenching, but also a stark reminder violence against women by men also causes deep pain to other men.

“It’s painful because my daughter and I were very close, she would run and boast about me being her father 'ubaba wami'. It’s not the parent’s negligence that their children get murdered like this, it’s the animals that live within our society. Parents do take care of their children,” Ndlovu said outside the court after becoming emotional for the second time during proceedings.

When  Ndlovu cried out in that courtroom, it was not just pain from loss but also helplessness.

How did we get here as a society?

Liezelle Kumalo, gender specialist at the Centre for the Study of Violence and Reconciliation (CSVR), said South Africa has always been violent. What we are now seeing is the brutality of the violence. The calibre of crime is what has changed. It's more gruesome. 

One wonders where the non-violent, protective and responsible men of our society are while this war is waged against the vulnerable.

Gary da Silva, national chairperson of Fathers4Justice, said some men who could be making a difference are increasingly feeling alienated from society. 

“When you tell us we are toxic, garbage, and mansplaining, it contributes to a breakdown  in societal cohesion, which is where we are as a society.

“For a father to lose their child in this manner is one of the most horrific things to happen. The justice system is not on the side of the victim.

“The family unit has been destroyed by many factors in society, including the government.

“Men are vilified for not being involved in their children’s lives, but sometimes those who actually are involved don’t get the confidence to get involved in movements because they are painted with the same brush as perpetrators,” Da Silva said.

However, Kumalo asked a pertinent question: why are “good” men passive about the violence perpetrated daily against women in South Africa yet worried about their reputations?

“This is again blaming women for the violence committed against them.

“We have to really think about the narratives of ‘it’s not all of us’. Patriarchy and toxic masculinity is what fuels violence in South Africa and is manifested in the type of hate crimes and various forms of violence we experience as South Africans,” Kumalo said.

Castro Musinyali, chairperson of the We are Fathers, We are Parents Forum, attested to the doubled-edged sword that is manhood and fatherhood in a violent society. 

“Fathers themselves are at risk of being robbed and murdered by killers. Yet by virtue of them being men, they are equally viewed as a danger to their own children.

“Many biological fathers are prevented from having a healthy relationship with their biological children after the separation of parents. This results in the biological father not being able to protect their children from harm,” he said.

Musinyali added that the judicial system worsens the situation by “maliciously applying maternal preference during child care litigations”.

“[Some] biological fathers are left helpless regarding their children’s protection. Biological fathers are depressed for being deprived of seeing their children,”

Musinyali brings a perspective that the conversation at hand has no appetite for: the struggles and frustrations of fathers who want to be protectors but are often faced with co-parenting challenges.

“Personally, I have been fighting to be part of my child’s life since she was born six years ago. In the end, without any justification, she put the child in the custody of my maternal grandparents I was granted visitation on Saturdays and Sundays between 8am and 5pm (no sleepovers).

“How do I protect my child under those conditions? Absent fathers, either by choice or alienated, expose children to the risk of emotional and physical harm,” he said.

There is a societal expectation of what a father should be, and in recent years society has battled with an understanding of who men should be in this new dispensation of gender politics.

We need men to stand up for the missing middle — the percentage of “good” men — to rise against GBV and deal with the intrinsic challenges of gender relations.

This way, we may see ourselves on a path to reform — to a time when fathers like Irvin Ndlovu do not have to break down in tears at the brutal deaths of their beloved daughters. 

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