ASPASIA KARRAS | My chihuahua ‘situationship’ is good news – and healthy too

I’m having a small romance with a chihuahua. Unlike Demi Moore, whose miniature chihuahua (how is this even possible?) Pilaf is attached to her person like a safety blanket at all times and populates her Instagram feed (@pilaf.little.mouse) with content from Cannes and the Met Gala where she poses fetchingly with Demi, my “situationship” with Tom is complicated. For one, he lives down the corridor with his doting fathers, my neighbours.

But, let me tell you, our grande amour is very real. Tom is fine tuned to my comings and goings at all hours of the day and night. We greet ebulliently through the door with no sense on either of our parts that we’re behaving oddly in any way. Tom’s disembodied barks are music to my ears – although I’m not sure how everyone else feels about our need for connection. When we bump into each other on his little strolls to keep our small community in line and on the straight and narrow - particularly the cats who exercise him considerably- we fall into each other’s arms with the joy of long lost lovers.

I’m aware that he’s attached to his aforementioned fathers but they’ve both confirmed that I’m not making this all up. Tom is indeed very partial to me and snaps at the other neighbours. I, not so secretly, delight in my chosen status as First Lady of his heart.

I, not so secretly, delight in my chosen status as First Lady of his heart.

Moreover, the connection was instantaneous and without any bribery involving base incentives like treats on my part. Oh no! Our love is pure, unconditional and properly mutual.

After much consideration on the matter of this spontaneous efflorescence of the warm and fuzzies, I’m now convinced that inhabiting the improbably tiny body of Tom is the reincarnation of my dead boyfriend. He died a lifetime ago under horribly dramatic Joburg circumstances not far from our current location – and I believe Tom’s lifestyle would be his very amused and amusing idea of heaven. Two doting fathers attuned to his every need, living out his days in a design-forward palace, as they personally cook his gourmet meals and tend to his various grooming and petting needs. Plus, the princeling gets to flirt outrageously with me. It’s practically perfect. I couldn’t have arranged it better myself. I’d totally sign up for a small karmic interlude involving a version of this bum-in-the-butter deal.

Lest you think I have finally lost the plot and the crazy outside has taken up full throttle residence on my inside – I want to report that, reincarnation theories aside, the manifold benefits of exposure to our canine friends is now a scientifically proven fact.

Now we have proof that we also share our mood swings, our emotions and our cognitive processes.

Dogs, it seems, can slow down the biological ageing of women. The Florida Atlantic University study examined the impact on the cells of veterans living with service dogs, and concluded that there were biological benefits. I myself have observed these promising side effects after my charmed interludes with Tom. My endorphins are fired up, my cheeks are flushed and I’m generally buoyant and full of the joys of spring.

It may be that the positive feedback loop that gives your mitochondria a life-enhancing boost is because we’re much closer to our canine companions than we ever suspected – from the evolutionary perspective – since they kindly deigned to join our pack.

Scientists at Cambridge collated the DNA of 1,300 golden retrievers with their reported behavioural traits as observed by their doting caregivers at home. They found that several gene variants in the dogs correlated to specific behaviours. For example, a gene variant known as HUNK indicated that the carriers were probably quite nervous around other dogs. What’s even more surprising is that this is the precise variant that plays out in humans that suffer from social anxiety and dread the office Christmas party. They probably worry about all the butt sniffing. ASCC3 is where we unite on our mutual dislike of leaf blowers, ADD2 is a tendency to depression, ADGRL2 denotes our intelligence and ability to do all the tricks.

We share a lot with our dogs ― food noise has always been a known factor as we share a mutation that affects a gene called POMC, which can make us prone to the joys of a snack. But now we have proof that we also share our mood swings, our emotions and our cognitive processes. I didn’t need Cambridge scientists to tell me that - I’m as one with a chihuahua called Tom.