Conventional divorcee wisdom says that 40 is the new 20, and, you know what, they’re kind of right.
If you had too much fun in your early twenties or made some choices too early, by the time you approach your forties, you’ll either be single or previously betrothed. In the past this would have been a bad thing, and among some of Tasha’s crowd, it still is, but there’s a king who has some ideas about fornication for those folks. In fact, if you’re happily or long-sufferingly married or in a relationship, put this paper down and do some doom scrolling — TikTok has something to tell you.
OK, so now it’s just us, the middle-aged singles sticking our toes back into the dating pool. Summer is here, and being a baddie isn’t the sole preserve of 22-year-olds who’re too young to have to work for their thirst trap bodies. In fact, summer’s re-emergence is our second wind. The best thing about hovering between the ages of 37 and pension is that you can pair sexiness with a sense of humour and a cursory knowledge of the objects that belong in a library.
The problem is, at this age we may have lost a bit of confidence. Society has told us we’re supposed to be at soccer games wearing sandals that hug our big toes and unironically buying mom jeans. Well, the kids are grown, and itches need to be scratched, so if you find yourself single and ready to mingle, here’s how to be a midlife baddie this December:
Stay off the dating apps:
You were right when you first saw these and thought they were a little strange. They are. The Match Group (the people who own Tinder, Hinge, OkCupid, and a bunch of other dating apps) are in the doldrums. People are being sacked, and desperate calls are being made. Why? Because we’re starting to realise that spending time judging our dating prospects by whether or not someone described themselves as a “sapiosexual who likes pets” is inviting trouble. Yes, your friend Jenny found her husband on a dating site, but how happy is she really? And was she always stable? What does her therapy bill look like? For too long the Jennys of the world have tricked us into believing that unicorns were a dime a dozen. They’re not. Most people on dating sites are insane. If you need convincing, ask any woman who’s been on one how many unsolicited pictures of an enterprising vienna she’s gotten. Be brave, go outside and meet people the old-fashioned way. It’s surprisingly fun.
Be casual:
This is the wrong time of the year to find the love of your life. Everyone has refilled their Ozempic prescription and has been practising how to hold conversations. You’ve done the marriage/relationship thing already, chased it even. It’s time to have a little fun. Especially because your Gen-Z kids won’t. They’re too busy worrying about not being able to afford homes and whether or not misusing pronouns counts as a hate crime. It’s all very noble and relatable to the part of you that protested against “slegs blankes” signs. That’s how you met their mother. But years of school fees, home loans and dressing for comfort should have convinced you to pass the torch. Your job now is to find someone whose kids are old enough to be left alone for an evening and see how that omega-3 oil you’ve been taking affects the joints that matter. Be honest, kind and safe, but a great night doesn’t have to turn into step parenting.
Work out:
No one is asking you to be Rambo or Beyoncé, but pretend you care about making it to retirement without a cobalt hip. It makes you feel better and allegedly improves other interactions.
Be your weird self:
Do you like World War 2? Geopolitics? Arguing about the Bechdel test? In-depth discussions about the existence of witches? Dementia is a few election cycles away, so stop trying to be cute or likeable. The best part about being a well-aged wagyu is that no one expects you to be agreeable. You did that with your ex already. Now you get to be you. Quirky, slightly offensive to people under the age of 24 and capable of arguing a point without having to use Google. Lean into what makes you you, if only so you can have some entertainingly awkward stories to tell your kids afterwards.
This December, give yourself the gift of remembering that you’ve still got it. Despite what the kids may say, 40 isn’t old, and neither is 50. To be fair, 60 may be pushing it, but humans have never lived longer, so you still have time. If you find yourself partnerless this festive season, remember that you’ve never been more interesting, that anyone your age who doesn’t like stretch marks belongs on a registry and that fun has no age limit. More importantly, if you find yourself looking to be a middle-aged baddie this December, come find me and say hi.
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