It’s time to ditch the lager and social media, pick up a classic in a second-hand bookshop (Hint: Milan Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being) and head to your local bar.
Rather than the Wi-Fi password, ask the bartender if they make a Top Shelf Margarita. If they ask, “a what?,” keep moving. If the reply is “the best,” you’re in the right place.
Whether you’re newly single and ready to mingle, or just need to brush up on your skills, here’s a guide to get you to first base and beyond while avoiding any sports injuries.
Food must taste good to the eye before the stomach
If you’re wearing flip-flops and shorts in a bar that’s not on the beach and everyone else is wearing real clothes, your best bet is to have a few beers on your own and go home.
Make some effort with your appearance. Look as good as the person you’d like to go home with. Clean your nails, comb your hair, and wear a subtle hint of fragrance. Subtle, I say!
Don’t be a boor
This is exactly how much you should say about your sad finances, your ex, and your aches and pains: nothing. Not much turns people off more than someone who has no social manners and is rude to the bartender. Don’t manspread, mansplain, put your feet on the furniture, or drape the bar with your stuff. Always treat the staff serving you with more respect than anyone else in your orbit — if for no other reason than to avoid human saliva in your drink. Be sensitive to social issues. Don’t be crude, and never mention the war.
When talking to a girl, whatever your brain would like to say, say the opposite.
I know it’s really difficult when under social pressure, but try not to say painfully stupid and unnecessary things. “I just brushed my teeth,” is a great thought, but something best kept to yourself. Similarly, “I’m recently divorced and very lonely,” may be your truth, but best not said out loud to your new friend.
An Italian once gave me sage advice: “When talking to a girl, whatever your brain would like to say, say the opposite.”
Be interested, never overenthusiastic
I don’t know what it is, but desperation has a smell, like mould. If you’re trying too hard, you’ll never succeed. Listen, don’t talk. Ask questions — this will get you far. It’s always tempting to jump in with your own story that is, of course, much better. But believe me, it’s better to park that thought and hear the other person out.
Don’t get drunk
It’s true that alcohol is a social lubricant, but too much lubrication and you’ll end up slipping, sliding, slurring and throwing up on your new companion. To be clear: this is never an attractive look.
Don’t start off the evening as a quiet wallflower and finish up by throwing tequila glasses across the bar and soiling yourself. Among other things, you might not be allowed back.
Don’t do anything that will land you in jail
This will definitely ruin your evening and will not help your chances of hooking up. Look, to be honest, there are quite a lot of things to avoid here. I’ll stick to the low-hanging fruit, and remember this isn’t legally sound advice: Don’t punch anyone, remove your clothes, physically or verbally accost someone, be generally unpleasant — and definitely don’t drive home drunk.
Read a book
This is the way to jump the queue and get to the front. Among all the people staring at their (very expensive) phones, there’s someone who stands out. Is it the hair, the jawline, the casual but tasteful attire? The sexiest person at the bar is the one who isn’t looking at their phone. Preferably sporting a frosted martini glass with three olives on a stick. And reading a book.
Who has ever found an iPhone sexy; someone swiping mindlessly across their screen, in a never-ending search? That little screen is sucking your brains out right through your eyeballs — and preventing you from seeing the world around you, and the beautiful people next to you.
Why should a book be better than a phone? It’s intellectual and shows you as independent, different, a thinking person — the best kind.
Be patient and moderate your standards
To be honest, there is a difference if you’re a man or a woman. If your aim is to get laid, it’s a lot easier for a woman. All you need to do is say, “Let’s go home to your/my place,” within your first three sentences. If a man tries the same thing, he’s likely to come away with nothing more than a slap in the face.
So put your paperback in your pocket, leave your phone at home, and head for the nearest whiskey sour. Take your time and enjoy the ride.
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