A little Khanyi goes a long way

Taking social butterfly Khanyi Mbau's purported tell-all biography seriously would be akin to believing that President Jacob Zuma will never consider taking another bride.

Mbau, in her story told to entertainment reporter Lesley Mofokeng, offers herself to the women of South Africa as a sexually and financially liberated woman who boldly steps into life, driven by self-interest and sexual appetite.

In her trivial mind, filled with a monstrously huge self-belief that her actions cause seismic shifts in South Africa's navel-gazing social world, Mbau gleefully relates her materialistic scramble to the top of the celebrity mountain.

Her book, Bitch Please! I'm Khanyi Mbau, is highly recommended reading for the following reasons:

It's a warning to the ambitious vacuous out there who believe silicone boobs and unabashed avarice are lasting legacies, that tacky sexual explicitness translates into feminist ideals, and that an anorexic version of a woman of substance will never be caught out.

Below are some of the Mbau gems as told to Mofokeng. Read them. But imitate this delightful exposition of cheap, tacky and fraudulent womanhood at your peril.

On sugar daddies

"I saw nothing wrong with being looked after by an older man who loved me. I was tearing down walls, breaking taboos. Because of me, younger girls now have the confidence to walk around holding hands publicly with their sugar daddy."

On her marriage to Mthembu

"I looked past the gap tooth and I saw a man that 'got' me. Someone who understood me and whom I was in love with. Mandla [Mthembu] is not exactly ugly but if you entered him in the Mr SA Competition he would not win. But he is wise. He got back on his feet after his comrades in the ANC left him for dead. He got himself the hottest chick on the market to prove to everyone he still had it going on."

On their Lamborghinis

"People asked us: 'Why separate cars?' My answer was: 'We don't like the same music.' Besides, Mandla smoked and that made my hair smell. When the police stopped me for talking on my cellphone while driving my defence was always: 'It's not my fault that you're poor, sweetie - just write the ticket'."

On motherhood

"She might hate me for abandoning her, but I'd much rather have that confrontation when her life's great and she's going to Bond University and driving a Merc to school. Who can argue with giving your child a good life and a safe neighbourhood to live in?"

On Crous's wife

"I was selfish and pushed Primrose deep into my subconscious. I made her a figment of my imagination and felt no emotion towards her. It was all about my car, my clothes, my life. Theunis gave me the means to live well. He fed the monster. With Mandla, I had lost the high life but I was determined never to lose it again."

On being a mistress

"Being a mistress is one of the most powerless positions a woman can be in. It's also the loneliest. You are alone at Easter. Alone at Christmas. Your boyfriend is someone else's husband and he needs to be with his family. On Valentine's Day he has to take out his wife. If you're lucky, you get your romantic gifts days later . when the roses are dead. Whenever he bothers to call you, you must drop everything . and rush to meet him because that's the only time you have to see your lover - when it suits him."

On her leaked nude pictures

"I was playing with my lover and a camera. Little did I know that I would be in the public gallery three years later. That man turned the camera into a bazooka."

On her life now

"I was insecure in the past. I hid behind cars, clothes and make-believe fabulosity. Now I don't need to go to events to find admiration."