Are you fat, over 40 and concerned you no longer look your best? If so, I can help you.
Ask yourself why everyone in Mad Men looks so good, despite being in their 40s and often out of shape. It is because they wear suits all the time. That, really, is all you need to know.
So here is how to look fat, 45 and fabulous. Or at least fat, 45 and fair-to-tolerable.
Suit
The foundation of your wardrobe - a simple, well-cut suit will work wonders for any man. It will hide your belly and mask your moobs, add a few centimetres to your height and improve your posture. It will make you feel more successful, wealthier and give you authority.
You will need two suits, both with a spare pair of trousers. Buy single breasted and get flat-fronted trousers which are not too high.
Buy conventional colours. A slightly unusual shade of blue or grey is fine, as is a touch of pattern . Any more than this and you will look like an estate agent, a light entertainer or some tragi-comic combination of the two.
Shirt
Again, keep it simple. Shirts should be crisp, white, well-ironed and with stiff collars. Big men often look better with high collars - think of them as a tent for that extra chin to hide in. And always ensure your shirt cuffs are longer than your suit sleeves.
Tie and Handkerchiefs
Never, ever wear funny or topical ties. Conservative colours in big blocks are your friends. It i s hard to go wrong with black or blue ties. You want to, stick with silk and don't overspend.
Handkerchiefs are easy. All you need to know is - white cotton. Always put one in your top suit pocket. It is a detail that speaks volumes.
Cufflinks
Cufflinks are often dismissed as male jewellery but shirts with cufflinks look better than those without. But no novelty cufflinks, please.
Watch
Ignore expensive watch marketing. Buy a vintage '60s or '70s Omega watch and have it serviced once a year. It will look classy and understated .
Glasses
Buy your glasses from a place that promotes a dash of flair and originality. Men are allowed a bit of leeway with glasses but, generally, think big, simple rectangles.
Shoes
Like glasses, you can go a bit crazy here. Cuban heels are cool, snakeskin is fine and even two-tone works. Chelsea boots work for all men and always will.
Timing
Wear this outfit every day during the week. Wear it to dinner at weekends and do not ask if the dress code is formal.
You look better this way, that is all that matters.
If you are worried about looking too stuffy, take off the tie and undo a button or two to showcase that silverback chest hair. Never ever be intimidated by 42-year-olds who still wear Boardies and T-shirts.
