Movember gets a bit prickly

12 November 2015 - 02:09 By Jeremy Fox

TS Eliot maintained that April was the cruellest month, but for those of us who suffer from facial baldness, or partial bum-fluffery, it surely must be the dreaded Movember that makes our hair stand on end. It is at this time of year that I keenly feel the bullying stare of a comedic Zapata, or a skew look from a wonky Handlebar. This is when the moustachioed put the mental into judgmental. But no amount of spring rain will stir my dull roots. I am just not tailored for a tash.Of course, those who are able to cultivate spectacular mouth merkins are cockahoop this month. The Y chromosomes are brandished like keys at a swingers' party. The hairless are condemned to lining the walls and stroking our six o'clock smoothness.I get the idea. The lip rug is a symbol of machismo that has been hijacked to represent ironically the male struggle for delicate health issues. A worthy concern by any measure. But do they have to be so smug about it?Social occasions in November are now plagued by a sense of atelophobia brought on by the disparaging glances at my pathetic snot catcher from the fulsome soup strainers in the room. It is just hair! I am no less charitable for my inability to grow it on my face. As for hipsters, their permanently bearded heads are so far up their own backsides that there is no room for prostate cancer anyway, so they don't really count.In response to this hairiest of months, some women have decided to appropriate 31 days of their own and thus was born "No shave December". No female body part is to touch the blade of a razor or the molten wax of a beautician during the course of next month in support of charity. They obviously never heard of the idea that charity starts at home. I don't think it will catch on in the southern hemisphere and there are great swathes of eastern and southern Europe where nobody will notice a difference.The Movember movement was started by a bunch of drunk Australians (are there any other types?) in 2003 and it now has the support of approximately 5 million hairy-lipped ''MoBros" worldwide. In the first year the campaign raised the princely sum of zero dollars and, according to the Movember Foundation, it has raised $649-million since then. Last year it was ranked 72nd of the top 500 NGOs worldwide. Impressive growth, from some impressive growth.I support the cause. I will happily donate money. Bending over with a smile on my face so a man in a white coat can slide a rubber-clad finger where the sun don't shine? I will even let a specialist use my testicles for his best impersonation of Roger Federer in order to find out if I am to join my unfortunate Slavic cousin, Ivor Bollockov. But forcing me to endure the ridicule of my hirsute simian peers is a cut too deep...

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