Best beach for burning: Alkantstrand, a Blue Flag beach in Richards Bay. Temperatures have been known to top 42C - it's so hot it's like lying on the surface of the sun. Best beach for skinny dipping: Mpenjati Naturist Beach, 140km south of Durban. The only spot in the country where you can bare your butt legally. Rules include no staring, no sitting on other people's furniture without a towel. Oh, and no unpredictable erections.Best beach for drowning: A toss-up between Durban's North Beach and Addington Beach during the Christmas holidays.Best beach for being eaten by sharks: Although Jeffreys Bay's sharks make a play for celebrities - Australian super-surfer Mick Fanning narrowly avoided losing a leg - Port St John's Second Beach gets the prize for deadliest beach in the world with eight attacks in five years.Best beach for getting sick: Clifton, Cape Town. The beach of the rich, thin and famous has one of the highest Ecoli levels in the country.Best-kept secret beach - until now: Mabibi, Elephant Coast, north of Sodwana Bay. An undeveloped wilderness of subtropical forests and sand dunes in Maputaland with some of the best diving in the country.Best beach for getting mugged: Hout Bay, Cape Town. Although Durban's numbers are higher, at Hout Bay victims are hand-picked - in January it was the wife of the Slovakian ambassador to South Africa.Best beach for selfies: Hole in the Wall, near Coffee Bay in the Eastern Cape. A huge, detached cliff with a giant opening carved by the waves, on a secluded beach, with crystal clear water.Best not-a-beach: Valley of the Waves, Sun City. Fake tans, fake sand, fake waves, real fun. ..