When your child is the bully : experts advise seeking professional help if home and school efforts not effective

Experts have advised parents to consider seeking external help when their child’s bullying behaviour becomes persistent, severe or is accompanied by other troubling signs.

Social workers and criminology experts believe external intervention may be necessary if efforts at home and school have not effectively corrected the behaviour.

The Sunday Times reported a gang of rogue pupils turned a Pretoria high school into a den of crime, donning balaclavas at break time to rob other pupils of cellphones, running gambling rings, coming to school drunk, swearing at teachers, disrupting lessons and bringing drugs and weapons into the classroom.

Some pupils are said to have gone as far as assaulting their parents when the schools called them to discuss their behaviour.

Candidate attorney at HJW Attorneys Jabu Price Moor said while parents may not face direct criminal penalties for their child’s behaviour, they can be held civilly liable. They may face legal consequences if they do not take appropriate steps to address the issue. 

“Parents have a legal responsibility to supervise and guide their children, and failure to do so can lead to legal repercussions, for the child and the parents,” he said.

He said navigating the legal system when a child’s bullying leads to serious outcomes requires a proactive and informed approach. 

“By prioritising safety, seeking professional support, engaging with schools and advocating your child’s needs, parents can effectively manage the situation and promote positive change,” he said.

In such situations, Moor said parents should consult legal professionals, engage with schools and authorities, access support services such as therapy, explore mediation or restorative justice programmes and follow legal procedures.

Elmien Claassens and Dr Jenita Chiba from the department of social work and criminology at the University of Pretoria said depending on the school’s policy regarding bullying, this could lead to expulsion from the school.

“If the bully is under the age of 10, they cannot be arrested. A bully older than 10 can only be detained as a last resort and then handed over to their parents or legal guardians. Predominantly a rehabilitative approach is followed as opposed to a punitive approach,” they said.

Childline SA CEO Dumisile Nala said reaching out for help for the child displaying bullying behaviour, or the family, should be seen as a sign of strength and not a weakness. 

“Talking to someone may be all the help they require. Seeking help from counselling services such as Childline SA, or social services that offer statutory services, should not be seen as a last resort but a collaborative process to help the child, their family and their school to help identify interventions such as anti-bullying campaigns that could assist children who are afraid to speak up,” she said.

Mike Bolhuis, a specialist investigator into serious violent, economic and cybercrimes said bullying stems from underlying issues including insecurity or low self-esteem, peer pressure, family dynamics, lack of boundaries and desire for control.

He said understanding the root causes will help address the behaviour effectively.

“Children engage in bullying to fit in with a particular group of friends or to avoid being bullied themselves. If a child experiences aggressive behaviour or conflict at home, they mirror that behaviour at school. Inconsistent discipline or lack of clear boundaries can lead to bullying as the child may not understand the limits of acceptable behaviour. Bullies often seek control over others as a way to feel empowered, particularly if they feel a lack of control in other areas of their lives,” he said.

Claassens and Chiba said being exposed to violence and aggressive behaviour (at home and in the media) can also contribute to bullying behaviour.

“Many times children feel not heard, and acting out makes them feel noticed by adults,” they said.

Moor said parents can solidify their suspicions by having open conversations in a calm and non-judgmental manner about their behaviour. 

“Asking them why they behave in certain ways and how they feel about their relationships with peers is important too,” he said.

Claassens and Chiba said another indication can be a change in children's behaviour at home, for example a calm child suddenly being more reactive or aggressive. 

“Parents know their children and should notice changes in their behaviour. Spend enough time with children, specially also online to empower them to know about cyberbullying,” they said.

Nala said there are signs parents, caregivers and educators should look out for to identify if their child is a bully.

“A pattern of uncontrollable anger/frustration. This could range from tantrums to a display of physical violence. Defiance when faced with disciplinary methods such as timeouts or grounding. Non-cooperation to carry out chores or any instructions, violent behaviour with siblings, peers and pets and a lack of empathy for others,” Nala said.

Claassens and Chiba said parents can take proactive steps by assisting children with skills to manage conflict.

“Don’t always play referee between siblings. Allow siblings to try to resolve their own conflict, and rather let them ask you if they need help in the resolution. Model constructive conflict management as parents and/or adults. If we have a conflict in front of the children, we should also resolve the conflict in front of them. It is not always a bad thing to happen before children because it gives adults an opportunity to model the resolution,” they said.

Claassens and Chiba said if parents themselves are struggling with anger management they must get help.

“Encourage children to have a balance and to participate in sport and so on, and to not only be online or playing video games on their own. Socialising with peers is a valuable step parents can take.” 

“Stay involved with your child. Know what they are going through and have open conversations. They should know they can come to you as a parent first if they struggle,” Claassens and Chiba said.

Moor said preventing and addressing bullying behaviour requires proactive steps from parents to guide their children towards empathy, kindness, and healthy social interactions. 

He said by fostering empathy, modelling positive behaviour and maintaining open communication, parents can create a supportive environment that discourages bullying and promotes respectful relationships.

Nala said empathy is a core value for children to possess in growing up to be a caring adult.

According to Nala, bullying is a complicated problem, specially since there is more than one person involved. 

She said often bullies have been bullied and/or humiliated themselves and feel powerless in other situations. 

“These situations could have been abuse, being exposed to violent content on TV or the internet, or exposure to domestic violence or violence in the community. Children internalise this behaviour and begin to believe violence is an appropriate form of conflict resolution. The bullying behaviour becomes a means of reclaiming power and self-esteem. We also have to understand there is a fine line between teasing and bullying and many children do not understand the difference. What may start as a 'joke' may end up being a hurtful bullying experience,” she said.

Moor said interventions aimed at helping a child unlearn bullying behaviours typically focus on addressing underlying emotional issues, improving social skills and promoting empathy.

He said the interventions are most effective when they involve a combination of therapeutic approaches, counselling and family involvement.

Red flags parents should be vigilant of in their children that may indicate they are engaging in bullying or other troubling behaviours :

• aggressive behaviour at home;
• frequent outbursts;
• becoming evasive;
• hiding devices;
• constant arguments or fights;
• friendships based on dominance;
• refusing to accept responsibility;
• excusing hurtful behaviour;
• controlling others;
• disrespect towards authority;
• sudden mood swings;
• frequent peer conflicts;
• exclusionary behaviour;
• imitating negative behaviour;
• excessive need to win; and
• lack of teamwork. 

TimesLIVE