Comedians on what to gift Jacob Zuma and Donald Trump for Christmas

What gift would you place under the Christmas tree of a Teflon-coated former president on the political comeback trail?

US president-elect Donald Trump and MK Party leader Jacob Zuma, though separated by more than 15,000km, both caused a political stir in their respective countries this year.

Tongue firmly in cheek, we asked comedians to suggest the perfect Christmas presents for them. 

If comedian Nik Rabinowitz had his way, Trump would enjoy a lifetime supply of that brightly coloured drink, Oros. 

“As sitting president of the ‘free world’ for the next four years, Trump will no doubt be doing a lot of sitting,” explained Rabinowitz. 

“So why not give him the finest haemorrhoid ring money can buy, along with a lifetime's supply of Oros, which is far superior to that cheap self-tan he’s still applying.”

Rabinowitz said Zuma had already received a “multitude of gifts in the form of votes for his new party, and members who joined his party from other parties”.  

“What JZ needs is an extended warranty on Floyd Shivambu,” he suggested.  “Or at least a money-back guarantee so he can return Floyd to [EFF leader] Julius [Malema] if he becomes too much trouble. The cherry on top of the Christmas cake is a MAGA cap for Msholozi’s stocking — #MakeAfricaGedleyihlekisa'sAgain.” 

Razor-tongued puppet Chester Missing suggested a family tree organiser for Trump and wet wipes for Zuma.

“I’d like to send Donald Trump a family tree organiser so he can work out who his next adviser needs to be. Once you have so many family members in key positions, it must be hard to follow who should benefit from nepotism,” said Missing.  

“The gift Jacob Zuma needs is a container load of Dis-Chem extra-large industrial strength wet wipes so when he’s done stabbing people in the back, which he does to everyone, he can clean up all the blood and pretend everything is going well.”

Fellow comedian Kagiso Mokgadi settled on creating a personalised Monopoly game for the politicians.

“Since they both love building so much, the game would have get out of jail free cards and presidential pardon cards,” said Mokgadi.  

“I would add cards such as a Fake News card, a Nkandla Upgrade card or a Trump Tower Upgrade card to the Chance and Community Chest decks.” 

Khanyisa Bunu suggested black hair dye for Trump “just to annoy him”.  

“That orange hair makes him [look] like a prisoner,” observed Bunu.  

“I would give Zuma one-way free access to an old age home. Baba needs to rest, hey. Because we still love him that should be accompanied by a mobile chest of drawers full of medication. Remember he got out of jail because of his poor health.”