‘Some days it still doesn’t seem real’: Trevor Tutu’s daughter opens up about grief after dad’s death

The daughter of the late Trevor Tutu has shared a deeply personal reflection on grief, describing the emotional and financial toll of losing a parent following the death of the son of the late Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Trevor Tutu, who was the firstborn and only son of Nobel Peace Prize laureate Archbishop Desmond Tutu and Leah Tutu, died two weeks ago at the age of 70 and was laid to rest this weekend.

In a heartfelt Facebook post, his daughter, Ziyanda Palesa Tutu, spoke candidly about navigating life after her father’s death, saying the experience had changed her understanding of loss.

“Since my dad died, I have found myself living in a world I never truly understood until now. I’ve lost grandparents and other loved ones before, but this is different. Being on the frontline of losing a parent and carrying the responsibility of everything that follows is overwhelming. It feels surreal. Some days it still doesn’t seem real that he’s gone,” she wrote.

She said the experience had also altered the way she viewed relationships.

“Grief has also changed the way I see people. One of the most painful lessons has been realising that the people you were there for in their darkest moments won’t always be there for you in yours. That has hurt more than I expected,” she said.

Tutu also highlighted the often-overlooked financial burden that accompanies the death of a loved one, encouraging people not to underestimate the value of even small contributions to bereaved families.

“Another thing no one really prepares you for is how expensive death is. No matter how much you budget, there are always more costs, more unexpected expenses and more things that have to be paid for. If you’ve ever wondered whether a small contribution to a grieving family makes a difference, I can promise you it does. Even R200 can ease a burden. Never think your gift is too small,” she said.

She reflected on the comfort she found in messages of support from friends, acquaintances and strangers.

“The greatest surprise for me has been the messages. I never used to send condolence messages because I didn’t think they could make much difference. I was wrong. Every message, every kind word, every memory shared about my dad has been like a small light on some very dark days. Some of the most touching messages came from people I hardly knew. To everyone who has reached out — thank you. You have no idea how much your words have carried me,” she said.

Tutu also appealed for understanding during the difficult days leading up to a funeral, explaining that grieving families are often overwhelmed by the practical demands of arranging a farewell.

“One thing I have also learned is that while phone calls are made with love, they can become incredibly difficult during the days leading up to a funeral. There is so much to organise, so many decisions to make, so much driving, paperwork and emotion. If someone doesn’t answer your call, please don’t take it personally. A heartfelt message that they can read when they have a quiet moment is often one of the greatest gifts you can give,” she said.

She also reflected on the kindness she had experienced during her family’s loss.

“This journey has broken my heart in ways I didn’t know were possible, but it has also shown me the extraordinary kindness that still exists in the world. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: never underestimate the power of your presence, your prayers, your words, or even the smallest act of generosity. They matter more than you will ever know,” she said.

The Desmond and Leah Tutu Legacy Foundation confirmed Trevor Tutu’s passing in a statement shared on social media earlier this month.

“Rest in peace, Trevor Tutu. The foundation mourns the passing of the beloved firstborn and only son of Archbishop Desmond Tutu and Mrs Leah Tutu. No words reach far enough into a loss like this. So we stand with the family, in love and in prayer. Our hearts are with Mam’ Leah, Thandeka, Naomi and Mpho, with his children and with all who loved him,” the foundation said.

Quoting the late archbishop, the foundation added: “‘You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.’ — Archbishop Desmond Tutu. May he rest in peace and rise in glory.”

As the only son of Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Trevor belonged to one of South Africa’s most respected families.

While his father became an internationally recognised champion of human rights, reconciliation and equality, Trevor remained an important part of the close-knit Tutu family, whose legacy of faith and public service has inspired generations.

After news of his passing, religious leaders, community organisations and admirers of the Tutu family shared messages of condolence, offering prayers and support to Leah Tutu, Trevor’s siblings, children and extended family as they mourn their loss.

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