On Wednesday night, as poor Des van Rooyen went from being a weekend special to a cancelled Eddie Murphy sequel ― Not Even Another 48 Hours ― I was reminded of what Keanu Reeves once said about playing chess.
Describing his game with characteristic modesty, the Matrix star explained: “If you don’t know how to play, I’m great ― yeah, I’m a master. And if you’re really good, I’m terrible.”
We are regularly told by admirers of Jacob Zuma that he is a grandmaster of political chess. And yet, as Zuma’s MK Party continues to shoot itself in any foot or kneecap it can find, one has to start wondering whether the people who praise Zuma’s chess-playing abilities even know what chess is, or whether, perhaps, they simply once watched some charlatan playing tic-tac-toe who told them that it was the Queen’s Gambit.
In short, it’s possible that what we’re seeing is Keanu Reeves Syndrome, whereby people who know almost nothing about how successful organisations operate believe that Zuma’s constant blunders are genius at work.
Of course, in their defence, some of it does look a bit like chess: some pieces can move sidewise or backwards, and Zuma has been doing plenty of both.
Still, if there is any strategy at work in the MK Party it’s very difficult to see. Which is why I can feel some pity for Van Rooyen, reduced to a punchline for a second time in 10 years.
It’s not just the latest indignity, as Van Rooyen was appointed as MK Party’s parliamentary chief whip by John Hlophe, only to see Hlophe suspended and the new job disappear in a puff of smoke.
No, the misery must have been going on for months or even years, as Van Rooyen tried to climb a ladder made of nothing but the whims of the Zuma family, reassuring himself that he might be a national joke, but the big promotion was coming if he just hung on long enough; that all the chaos and humiliation and factional bullshit would eventually pay off …
At least there was one consolation for Van Rooyen: the knowledge that the person who’d suffered most from his sacking was Zuma.
“You can imagine how difficult it was for the president and the leadership,” a party spokesperson told EWN, making it clear who the real victims were, “because beside being a leader in the MK Party, comrade Des is a father, an uncle, a husband, brother and human being, so it was not easy to take this decision.”
But, the spokesperson went on, when an organisation was “confronted with a painful period like this” ― an odd way to describe the totally normal running of a dumpster fire like MK Party ― Van Rooyen would “understand” that “he had to be a victim when he was responsible for not taking this decision”.
I think they were trying to say that Van Rooyen was the victim of a situation for which he was not responsible, but what came out was vintage MKP chaos: Des had to be a victim because he was responsible for not taking this decision.
Yes indeed. If all you’ve ever known is tic-tac-toe, that explanation probably sounded impressive. But for those who actually play chess, MK Party looks like a party determined to put itself in check.
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