A Dummy's Guide to the #GuptaEmails

Are you confused by the #Guptafiles? Here is a guide even ANCYL leader Collen Maine could follow.

A: is not for apple. It’s for the Gupta brothers‚ Atul and Ajay‚ and trusted business associate Ashu Chawla

B: is for board members of State Owned Entities and State Owned Companies who have been captured. And for an apartment in the the Burj Khalifa in Dubai – the world's tallest building which was captured by the president’s son‚ Duduzane Zuma. With a little help from the Guptas

C: is for captured cronies

D: is for Duduzane Zuma‚ the captured son

E: is for emails (of the leaked variety) revealing how the Guptas captured the state while leading the Gupta lifestyle. It's also for Emirates Hill‚ the new retirement home of the esteemed president‚ Jacob Zuma

F: is for Faith Muthambi who scheduled a meeting with the Guptas two months before the launch of the Gupta news channel‚ ANN7. A conflict of interests‚ perhaps?

G: is for Gert van der Merwe – the family's lawyer who speaks a lot but says little

H: is for hotel bills‚ the high life and hysterical denials

I: is for Iqbal Sharma‚ dubious business associate of the Guptas. Also for India‚ where the family comes from

J: is for Jacob Zuma: “connection”‚ “pal”‚ “tjomma”‚ “mngai” and of course the president

K: is for kleptomania - which seems appropriate when family head Atul‚ in an obscure statement‚ said that by 2020 the family wants to amass R100-billion. That’s enough to buy a government … hang on a second!

L: is for landings‚ such as those at Waterkloof Air Force Base‚ where hundreds of Gupta wedding guests made a surprise arrival on a private jet airliner

M: is for Mosebenzi “I deny everything” Zwane‚ South Africa's mineral resources minister who claims to have no links to or knowledge of the Gupta family. Although he did fly to Switzerland to help them buy a coal mine

N: is for “No‚ I am not responsible for State Capture” - the frequent denial by finance minister Malusi Gigaba in response to media questions on state capture

O: is for the Oberoi Hotel‚ where the Guptas wined‚ dined and accommodated their new minions

P: is for Parliament‚ the Guptas' next home?

Q: is for “Quit while you are ahead”‚ something we think the Guptas should have done after making their first billion rand

R: is for R5.3-billion in alleged kickbacks the Guptas received for facilitating the locomotive deal between Transnet and China South Rail

S: is for the secretive Saxonwold Shebeen‚ where the appointment of ministers was allegedly decided

T: is for former Public Protector Thuli Madonsela‚ whose State of Capture report made disgraced Eskom head Brian Molefe cry. Oh yes‚ it's also for Tegeta‚ the little coal mine that got the big contracts with a little help from the big guys

U: is for uranium‚ a mineral the Guptas have taken a great deal of interest in. They bought the Shiva uranium mine around the time that Zuma started talking up nuclear power

V: Vytjie Mentor‚ the first ANC MP to blow the whistle on the Guptas’ capture of government ministers

W: is for wedding‚ which got the Guptas' lowly government minions‚ like Bruce Koloane‚ in trouble. Leaked emails contain at least 2 000 unique references to this ostentatious event held at Sun City and in India

X: is for the x-rated ‘From Paris with Love’ photos of Duduzane’s secret mistress‚ which he did not want his wife to see

Y: is for ‘yes’‚ the word the Guptas expect to hear from those they have captured and for ‘Yes‚ folks‚ this is really happening!’

Z: is for the Republic of Zupta‚ the big trophy in the state capture cabinet and the title of Pieter Louis Myburgh's book about this whole shambles

- TMG Digital/TimesLIVE