So your bae or someone you are tight with is running the Old Mutual Two Oceans Marathon on Saturday. It's a particularly historic year, as the race is marking its 50th anniversary, a coup that runners have been gleefully mentioning every time they manage to tear their eyes away from their Strava stalking and mumble a few words.
If you're lucky, you'll be able to decipher between the grunts of some new planta-what-what injury and the groans of stomach cramps ( really just pre-race nerves that you daren't mention because, gasp, you are not an ultra-runner) and conjure up just enough energy to pretend to be sympathetic.
Cause, well, let's be honest, we ain't sympathetic at all. These okes (read irresponsible, selfish and particularly painful partners near race day) have chosen this. Soz. And also soz for you. Because if you're the partner, this is what your life has likely looked like over the past week.
Ghosting
Mystery foot ailment. Sudden calf impediment. Gluteal muscle strain. Ja, ne. If every complaint had to be taken seriously, our medical aid savings would be depleted because of the "totally necessary" check-ups.