Following the detestable developments that played out at the Suffering Afrikan Fumbling Association (Suffer) that masquerades as a football governing body in the country, many South Africans wondered out loud whether it might not be a good idea for the Madlabantu Commission to extend its investigation into this organisation beset by claims of maladministration.
Jolted into action by the public outcry after the silky-suited Suffer officials whose meeting degenerated into chaos in scuffles that stopped short of graduating into full-blown fisticuffs, Madlabantu hastened to set the wheels of the commission in motion.
The first witness to take the stand is Deny Jordeci.
Madlbantu: “Welcome Mr Jordeci. Do you swear that the evidence you are about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? If you do, raise your right hand and say, ‘So help me god’.”
Joderci: “So help me dog.”
Madlabantu: “Don’t worry, we are not here to address the dark cloud over your head regarding that minor matter of fraud and corruption charges. We will not waste time on the irritating thing because it is before a court of law. The evidence leader Mr Chakalaks is ready to begin.”
Chakalaks: “Thank you, chair. Mr Jordeci, are you in the business of football or selling cars?”
Jorderci: “You don’t ask these questions about cricket or rugby but if it’s football, you come and you do this. Why? I guess next you are going to ask me if I bought my suit from Louis Vuitton. My friend swiped his card for…
Commissioner Khumellow interjects: “Mr Jordeci. It’s a simple yes or no question.”
Jordeci: “It’s football.”
Chakalaks: “So why are Suffer officials getting cars financed by the body? Is this deal borrowing from the book of generals who fix their sons’ cars with money borrowed from Meouw Mahlaba?”
Jordeci: “No, because we bought cars, it does not mean we have cartel tendencies. You see, we didn’t loan our officials R70,000 to fix a VW Golf. We prefer Mercedes. Brand new at that, fit for executives like us.
“Surely you agree that VW Golf is for small boys. So, we don’t loan them small change to fix their walls or renovate the tombstone on the graves of their fathers; we bought the cars for them. So, when they can’t use the handsome honorariums, we pay them for looking busy while twiddling their thumbs; we just buy them cute Mercs.”
Commissioner Khumellow: “Your statement sounds like Shibirism, Mr Mayor. I beg your pardon, Mr President.”
Jordeci: “Oh, you’ve just reminded me of the days when the mayoral chain dangled around my neck. Memories, sweet memories. I remember because when I was mayor, I had blue lights, but they were not installed by Juliet Makhwanzani. Can I have some water, chair, I am getting hot.”
Chakalaks: “Let’s stay on the subject of memory. What are your plans after bidding farewell to Suffer?”
Jordeci: “Pardon me for paraphrasing my idol, the late Robert Mugabe, but say bye to Suffer. Where is it going? I never said this is it. Ningixoshelani iparty imnandi kangaka (Why are you throwing me out while the party is so hot)?”
A clip of the recording of the Sokka Afrika show is shown where Jordeci says “This is it” in response to a question by Ivorian Smiling Assassin about standing in the next election.
Jordeci: “I never said so. The only ‘This Is It’ I know is a Michael Jackson documentary.”
Commissioner Banoyi: “Mr Jordeci, that is a blatantly implausible claim. Is it not you categorically saying this is it?”
Jordeci: “They are quoting me out of context. Chair, I’m being cornered here.”
Commissioner Banoyi: “You shouldn’t feel cornered for what might seem like convenient selective amnesia, which I’m not suggesting is the case. I thought the clip would assist to jolt your memory. I’m just checking for my own understanding; do you still insist you didn’t say that?”
Chair Madlabantu: “I know the president is human like all of us and as such may have challenges with recollection. Let’s take a short adjournment; we’ll resume next week.”
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