From Lea Michele to DJ Zinhle, many celebrities build bonds and relationships in the public eye that grow to new heights or can end splashed across headlines. With their lives playing our before us, it’s easy to get sucked into the seemingly bizarre drama. However, there is something deeply relatable in losing a partner and having to navigate how you mourn them.
Intimacy coach Tracy Ziman Jacobs shares that this can depend on how a couple’s break-up has left the parties feeling. As the break-up can often be their first mourning experience, it can establish how the break-up will affect them and everyone around them.
IT ALL BEGINS WITH THE BREAK-UP
Jacobs mentions three types of divorces/break-ups that couples can experience. The first is amicable, the second ones have no communication, and the third is a conflict-heavy separation.
Jacobs believes that couples in the third category tend to have unresolved issues that will need the living ex-spouse to seek therapy for the closure they never received. Category two splits need the surviving spouse to consider children, if there are any, and what they would need.
But this does not give a get-out-of-jail-free card for spouses who were able to communicate well, as therapy is still necessary for them during the mourning process.
“It might take them longer to get over the death,” Jacobs adds.
SUPPORTING THE NEW LOVER
While all eyes might be on the former partner it also helps to look at how the people who are new to the relationship also feel. Relationship coach Tshego Moholo believes if partners do not understand the importance of mourning a deceased ex, it can cause tension. It can also breed jealousy for those who do not realise that they need to grieve.
“They need to help their partner go through the emotions. When you go into a relationship you commit to it for better or worse and these are things that happen,” says Moholo.
She also notes that extreme displays of grief should not worry new lovers who might feel jealous that there might still be a candle held for the deceased ex.
“They’ve shared a lot of memories together so you need to be there for your partner and understand the level of pain and emotions they are going through at the time,” she says.
“Allow them to grieve and let this pain pass. That closure is beneficial to the relationship.
DEALING WITH CHILDREN
Both Jacobs an Moholo found importance in making sure that children get the support they need in both situations.
However, Jacobs notes that this might not be possible if they were not amicable before to one of their passing.
“If you’ve got a combative relationship, imagine what those children are exposed to,” says Jacobs.
“They’re not going to have the emotional maturity to encourage the children to go to the funeral. They might have even turned the children away from the other parent,” she says, adding that children are left without the necessary closure.
Jacobs also suggests that it becomes important to ask children if they would like to go to the funeral and whether they want heir living parent present to support them there. Moholo speaks on the importance of emotional maturity after break-ups, as there have been positive displays of exes who celebrate each other which plays a pivotal role in their ability to craft positive relationships in the future.
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