“I was a wonderful parent before I had children,” writes Adele Faber, the author of How to Talk so children Will Listen & Listen So children Will Talk.
But listening and children don’t always go together as a study on different forms of discipline, based on a survey of almost 216,000 families in 62 countries, shows.
Explaining to a misbehaving child what they did wrong may not always work, but it definitely beats spanking, which worsens aggression and distraction, the global research found.
Even the “loud and abrupt” explaining of misbehaviour by a parent to a child can undermine a positive outcome, according to the University of Michigan’s study results.
Social work professor Andrew Grogan-Kaylor, lead author of the study, said: “Positive discipline doesn’t always seem to have all that many positive benefits.”
The results of nonviolent discipline — involving verbal reasoning and the taking away privileges — had mixed outcomes.
“It’s more likely the long-term investments that parents make in children, such as spending time with them, letting them know they are loved and listening to them, have more positive effects than nonviolent discipline.”
Verbal reasoning which was not “developmentally appropriate for the child to understand why their behaviour is inappropriate could have negative effects”, he warned.
In countries where verbal reasoning was common, the children were “more prosocial with others”.
Where verbal reasoning was common, the children were more prosocial.
However, in some cases, when parents were harsh in their tone and language, verbal reasoning was associated with increased aggression.
Spanking led to aggression and distraction, irrespective of the country, race, ethnicity or context in which children were being punished.
The SA Constitutional Court ruled in September 2019 that spanking children was illegal.
Children from six to 12 years old are most likely to be intentionally injured by corporal punishment at home or at school, the SA Child Gauge 2019 by the Children’s Institute at UCT found. In 2018, 147 children were assaulted with blunt objects, according to the report.
For this study, published in the latest issue of International Journal of Behavioural Development, scientists analysed data from the UN Children’s Fund Multiple Indicator Cluster Surveys.
They discovered taking away children’s privileges was associated with not getting along with other children, showing more aggression and becoming distracted.
What then is the best type of discipline?
Grogan-Kaylor recommended “providing them with structure, keeping the lines of communication open and providing developmentally appropriate removal of privileges”.
When it comes to how children behave, US author Robert Fulgham is repeatedly cited: “Don’t worry that your children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”
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