WOMEN’S DAY | How family members cope after losing loved ones to GBV

Every time an incident of gender-based violence (GBV) is reported, Busisiwe Radebe remembers her sister who allegedly died at the hands of her husband.

“It is something that is not going easy, especially in our country where you see incidents happening where men are killing women. Every time you see this it triggers those emotions, the pain, and you ask when is this going to stop?” said the mother of one.

Radebe, 49, lost her only sister in November 2019. Prudence Nhlanhla Mphahlele was strangled, allegedly by her husband in their Boksburg home. Mzwandile Mike Mphahlele, currently out on bail, is facing a murder charge.

Almost three years later, Radebe is dealing with both the loss of her sister and the slow turn of the wheels of justice, which she believes is worsening “this pandemic” of violence against women.

She wants to see courts dedicated to GBV cases and tougher sentences for the perpetrators.

“I was very close to my sister. She was a friend and a confidante. We did a lot of things together. We went to the same school. Same tertiary. We were very close. She was younger than me,” she said.

She said her sister’s children stay with her.

“I take them to school. My brother-in-law was out on bail in 2019 because he was a first-time [alleged] offender,” she said.

Radebe and her mother supported one another to cope with the trauma until her mom died of Covid-19.

“That’s when I felt naked. It was very difficult. My support system was no longer there, my prayer partner.

“For the first time in my life I went through depression. I was hospitalised for three weeks. But I had to come out of it, I am left alone in terms of immediate family. I have my biological son and my two nephews [her sister’s children].”

I accept the fact that God has given me a job. I am in a position to provide.

She said working hard and standing up for the boys was her motivation to help her become a better person.

“I accept that God has given me a job. I am in a position to provide.  It is a rollercoaster of emotions. There is nothing much I can do. I have to stand,” she said.

‘Diagnosed with depression after my mom’s murder’

This year marks 10 years since Helga Nefdt lost her mother June Bertha Nefdt, killed by her gardener who pleaded guilty to the murder. Rudolph Jones, who escorted her home and strangled her with a scarf after demanding money, was sentenced to 18 years in prison in 2013.

June was 72 years old when she was killed by a man she trusted on June 11 2012.

“I think it is important to understand the woman who was taken from us. Before she was a victim of GBV, she was a mother, grandmother, sister, friend, loved and respected by so many,” she said.

“I think there are various layers to grief. It is like an onion you have to peel away. In that first year, I was unable to connect emotionally with my loss,” she said.

Helga said initially there was denial and she was unable to express her grief.

Then there were the first birthdays and first Christmas without her mother. Raw reminders of her tragic loss.

Ten years on, the grief in many respects is still present.

“I was diagnosed with depression a year after my mom’s death. It was depression brought on by severe trauma and loss,” she said.

According to Helga, grief doesn’t have a timeline.

“I think I kept things quite emotionally insulated. I am emotionally robust. After that first year I thought I was coping well, but I wasn’t,” she said.

Helga spent more than a year in bereavement therapy.

“Sometimes we think we are coping well with grief. We are not necessarily able to recognise how deeply the loss can impact us, especially when you lost a loved one in such a traumatic way,” she said.

She said the grief hasn't diminished with time. Instead,   what has grown in the past 10 years is her life experience and how she manages her relationships. Life has become fuller and bigger around her grief.

When University of Cape Town student Uyinene Mrwetyana was killed in a post office in Claremont, Cape Town, the incident triggered Helga’s trauma so much that she stopped passing through the post office.

“It’s hard to explain having a traumatic loss. I think that incident was collectively traumatising for all of us. When you have suffered a loss of a traumatic nature and you observe others experiencing loss in a violent and traumatic way, one can empathise on a deep level,” she said.

To honour her mother’s memory, Helga cooks and arranges flowers as she used to do.

“Today I made lasagne. Cooking was one of her loves. When I want to feel close to her, I cook,” she said.

Survivors of GBV often experience depression, stress, flashbacks, low self-esteem, withdrawal, lack of appetite, trouble sleeping and hatred and anger towards the perpetrator, according to People Opposing Women Abuse (Powa).

In June, police minister Bheki Cele said the number of sexual offences reported to police in the first three months of the year increased by 13.7% to 13,799, an increase of 1,666 from the same time last year

TimesLIVE reported the stats compared lockdown level 1 this year with lockdown level 3 in 2021 and only included information reported to the police.

Rape cases increased by 13.7% to 10,818, an increase of 1,300 from the same time last year.

Sexual assault cases stood at 2,165 (a 13.4% increase), attempted sexual assault at 547 (up by 26.3%) and 269 contact sexual offences were registered, up by 1.1% on the same time last year.

LISTEN | No justice for 52-year-old rape victim after case closed 

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