TOM EATON | Ground control to ‘Major One’ — prophet’s head is clearly in the clouds

Self-proclaimed prophet Shepherd “Major One” Bushiri, in court this week on charges of money-laundering, is very clear about the godliness of being worth $150m: “If you read the Bible,” he explains on his website, “you will note that men of God were rich.”

I must confess that I don’t remember those bits in the King James version, but perhaps “Major One” is referring to a newer edition, maybe something like The Bling James Re-Imagined “Bible” Lite Starter Pack For Tax-Free Abundance and Scruple-Free Self-Actualisation.

In that volume, I imagine, you’ll find all sorts of stories and parables to explain Bushiri’s faith.

Consider, for example, the Plagues of Egypt, which see the honest and beloved Pharaoh besieged, first by former congregation members who have started wondering where their investments have gone, then by waves of whistle-blowers and auditors, and finally by Sars officials.

Then there’s Jonah’s encounter with a whale, a very elderly, extremely wealthy parishioner who fears for his mortal soul but who finds himself guaranteed entry to paradise after he donates generously to Jonah’s cult, sorry, church.

There’s Daniel in the lion’s den, a thrilling story in which a young religious entrepreneur named Daniel “God’s Golden Finger” Chosen III spends two hours in a room with six forensic auditors and walks out unscathed thanks to the power of prayer and large bribes.

There’s John the Baptist, deciding to live naked in the wilderness as a lifestyle choice after he sells his tech start-up to Facebook.

And of course there’s Jesus, the richest of all of them, famously driving the moneylenders out of the temple because he’s hired the temple for that morning and he’ll be Goddamned if some blue collar bean counters wearing off-the-rack suits are going to get in the way of his “The Meek Shall Inherit Jack Shit” pitch to the venture capitalists he’s been grooming for two months.

Yes, perhaps Bushiri is reading slightly more widely than most theologians. But whatever he’s reading, he clearly has a very close relationship with his God, so much so that I’m sure they’re on first-name terms by now, cheerfully greeting each other as “Shep” and “Mammon”.

Which is why I don’t think it’s fair to condemn Bushiri, as many have, as a charlatan and a fraud.

Granted, he did famously predict that 2020 would be a great year, but when you’re on trial for laundering about R100m — a mere four percent if your total worth — you have to admit that’s a pretty great outcome, at least in legal terms.

He has also been widely mocked for claiming that he can walk on air. Again, I think this is unkind. If I’d made about R2,5bn, before the age of 40, by selling a product that buyers can only test after they die, I’d feel like was floating too.

No, I’m sure Bushiri takes his spiritual beliefs very seriously.

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