Cyril Ramaphosa has put Blade Nzimande in charge of assembling a team of scientists to develop vaccines for both the current pandemic and future ones. No, seriously. He really has. That’s not satire. That’s just what happened on Thursday afternoon.
For a few minutes it certainly felt like satire, not least because, with exquisite timing, Ramaphosa made his announcement just as #BladeMustFall was trending on South African Twitter, with angry students denouncing Nzimande’s handling of NSFAS bursaries and embittered communists denouncing his handling of the wads of cash he gets paid as a minister to pretend to be a communist so that the fake socialists in government can be sure that they’ve still got the support of SA’s 247 remaining semi-real communists.
To be fair, I couldn’t blame any of the angry tweeters. Nzimande is the minister of higher education, science and innovation and, while he seems quite keen on science (more of this in a moment), higher education struggles along despite his best efforts, and the only innovation this government seems genuinely good at is finding new ways to strangle the economy and siphon off taxes to the select few.
As far back as 2012, Nzimande was telling Mbeki’s supporters that they were science-denying cultists who had no business criticising Jacob Zuma.
Once I’d got over my surprise, however, I realised that it might not be the worst appointment in the world, partly because that title is already shared by DD Mabuza and Ace Magashule.
Nzimande might not know how to produce scientists, but he clearly respects and admires them, and not only because they make the German cars he likes. In December, for example, when chief justice Mogoeng Mogoeng suggested that some vaccines might be “part of the devil”, Nzimande spoke out against the dangers of unscientific theories and a return to the denialism of the Mbeki era.
Indeed, it’s a warning he’s been sounding with remarkable consistency: as far back as 2012, Nzimande was telling Mbeki’s supporters that they were science-denying cultists who had no business criticising Jacob Zuma.
Which brings us to the best argument for why Nzimande might turn out to be the perfect person to oversee the development of uniquely South African vaccines: once Blade has decided to protect you, he will not rest until you are safe from prosecution in your compound in KwaZulu-Natal.
You name the threat — new viruses, global pandemics, investigative journalists, accountability — Blade Nzimande will fight it until it is destroyed. Or at least until he’s told us that it’s all “white people’s lies” and they don’t have to worry about it any more.
Rest easy, SA, for science’s champion is watching over you.
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