Dear Mr Smith,
Thank for you reaching out to Discreet Destinations Travel Solutions through your associates, Mr Carl Smith, Mr Duduzane Smith, Mr Edward Smith and Mr Kebby Smith.
As per our conversion with messrs Smith, Smith, Smith and Smith, we understand you require our services fairly urgently and are delighted to confirm we can offer you the following packages.
With Package 2 you can stand in silent reverie before the monuments of the heroes of the Soviet Union, kindred spirits who also lived large on other people’s money.
It goes without saying that each guarantees you bunker-to-bunker service, whereby our team of boutique extraction experts will pick you up at your compound in KwaZulu-Natal, make sure you are comfortable and hydrated as you are transported in the boot of our car to the nearest private airport terminal, where you will be fitted with a complementary, custom-fitted, 100% recyclable paper bag to go over your head, before climbing aboard a private jet bound for your bespoke destination experience.
It is our pleasure to introduce them as follows:
Package 1 — A Dune With A View
Fly non-stop to beautiful Dubai, a glittering monument to unsustainability and therefore an architectural tribute to your presidency. Marvel at a city where money and power, not talent, dictate the structure of society, a comforting reminder of the ANC that will forever live in your heart, even as your heart lives in the UAE.
Package 2 — To Russia With Love
You’ll be Putin on the ritz as Mother Russia welcomes you to the land of Tolstoy, Chekhov and Dostoyevsky, who, like you, are remembered for making up great stories that are starting to feel a little dated. Stand in silent reverie before the monuments of the heroes of the Soviet Union, kindred spirits who also lived large on other people’s money. Best of all, you already know someone in Moscow, long-time comrade and former colleague David Mabuza, who will show you the sites once he’s finished demonstrating his contempt for the South African medical profession.
Package 3 — Life Support
You haven’t been cared for intensively until you’ve checked into our ICU! Prepare to be wheeled into a hospital of your choice, either in SA or abroad, where you will be welcomed by our elite medical staff, every one an expert in end-of-public-life care. This package comes with pre-signed confirmation that you are dying of an undisclosed terminal condition, as well as regular assessments insisting the only treatment is numerous rounds of golf.
We understand that finances are an issue at this point, but we would strongly urge you to consider our international packages for two compelling reasons.
First, you leaving SA in the next 48 hours would make life infinitely easier for many of your comrades in the ANC. And second, it would spare your country the distasteful spectacle of seeing a democratically elected president go to jail while apartheid leaders and perpetrators continue to live free.
Yours in non-extradition,
The Discreet Destinations Travel Solutions team
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