When columnists have to file by early evening, but all kinds of things are only likely to hit all kinds of fans in Nkandla near midnight, it’s often tempting to speculate. This time, however, I’m sticking with what I know. And what I know is that Carl Niehaus is entirely correct to appeal his suspension from the ANC.
Forgive me if this is a very minor issue by now. At the time of writing it was unclear which hand was controlling the sock-puppet we call Bheki Cele, so I don’t know if it found its mouth being manipulated by Cyril Ramaphosa or Dali Mpofu, and whether Jacob Zuma has been quietly led away to tjoekie or whether we have now entered Operation Stalingrad Phase 248.
If the former has happened (or, gods forbid, something less restrained), then I don’t blame you for finding this column a very silly distraction from the biggest South African news story of the past two decades.
Still, I hope you can spare an ounce of your attention for poor Carl, who, I feel, has been treated most unjustly.
Your honours, I am no Dali Mpofu, which means I will try to make my case for Carl as concisely as I can.
In a nutshell, it boils down to the validity of the letter sent to Niehaus on Wednesday by ANC deputy secretary-general Jessie Duarte.
This missive, circulated on social media, served to inform Niehaus he had been suspended from the party.
But if she was supposed to be talking about the liberation struggle, then the writer of this fiction has clearly got their dates very wrong. Because that struggle is gone, sold for some pointy shoes to everyone from European arms dealers to the idiots at Digital Vibes who never bothered to Google what a paper trail was.
It was written under an official letterhead and signed by Duarte, yet I would argue it has no legal standing whatsoever because it is very obviously a work of fiction.
Exhibit A is the last line before the signature, where Duarte signs off with “Yours in the Struggle”.
Now it is possible Duarte was referring to the struggle of trying to scrape by on six figures a month (those poor, poor MPs!) or the very real struggle of knowing where the deputy president is at any given moment. But if she was supposed to be talking about the liberation struggle, then the writer of this fiction has clearly got their dates very wrong. Because that struggle is gone, sold for some pointy shoes to everyone from European arms dealers to the idiots at Digital Vibes who never bothered to Google what a paper trail was.
Exhibit B, however, is where the so-called “letter” is truly exposed as the wild fiction it is.
In this section Duarte explains that Niehaus has “brought the ANC into disrepute” and that any more shenanigans will “cause further damage to the good name and reputation of the ANC”.
As I said, pure fantasy. After all, how can Carl bring the ANC into disrepute when it’s already been there for years?
And as for the second part, I put it to you that for the ANC’s good name to be damaged it first needs to have one, which it clearly doesn’t. As for its reputation, well, we all know that when the ANC walks into a room you make sure the furniture is bolted down.
No, your honours, this letter is clearly a piece of garbled whimsy and Carl Niehaus should reject it with contempt.
The defence rests.
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