A secret vote, overseen by a judge facing impeachment, to elect as speaker a person recently fired from her ministerial post for failing to recognise an attempted insurrection and now under investigation for corruption? What could possibly go wrong?
Yes, Thursday was a momentous day for our beleaguered little nation, as Nosiviwe “What Coup?” Mapisa-Nqakula was parachuted into the position of parliamentary speaker.
Traditionally, this process has been a mysterious and largely alchemical one, whereby a living, breathing human being is transformed into a large rubber stamp that can also turn into a doormat when the need arises.
Thursday’s election, however, was something very unusual indeed, and not just because deputy president David Mabuza was in parliament, suggesting he will have spent at least one day in SA this month, or that the vote was presided over by judge John Hlophe, formerly accused of trying to improperly influence a Constitutional Court justice.
It wasn’t even the astonishingly cynical nature of the deployment, with Mapisa-Nqakula waltzing back through the ANC’s revolving door after spending less than month out in the cold, hostile world where people pay for their own housing and transport and cupcakes.
No, what made it so unusual was the stunning daring of the ANC shoehorning Mapisa-Nqakula into the speaker’s chair.
The job of an ANC speaker is not very difficult, but it is absolutely essential in safeguarding the party’s MPs from threats such as difficult questions, having to tell the truth and doing their job.
In other words, the position of speaker requires someone who can recognise a political threat to the ANC or, at the very least, a challenge to the status quo, and react boldly and with authority.
Basically how it works is that the speaker must gaze across the floor of parliament with glazed, dead eyes, past their own party benches where MPs pick their noses or lick teacups or sleep the sleep of people untroubled by consciences, and carefully scan the opposition benches.
The moment anyone in these benches speaks or raises a hand or twitches an eyelid or inhales, the speaker is duty-bound to yell “ORDER!” before asking the offending MP to withdraw their statement or gesture or involuntary twitch.
If the honourable member refuses, the speaker must then throw themselves on President Cyril Ramaphosa, screaming: “TO THE KING!”, before rolling themselves into a tight ball around his body until the threat has receded.
In other words, the position of speaker requires someone who can recognise a political threat to the ANC or, at the very least, a challenge to the status quo, and react boldly and with authority.
And yet in its wisdom the ANC has decided to appoint in this position a former defence minister — literally the person in charge of safeguarding the country from threats domestic and foreign — who didn’t see an insurrection coming and then, once two provinces had caught fire and more than 300 people had been killed, denied it had happened.
I understand that recent allegations of corruption around Mapisa-Nqakula wouldn’t have influenced her appointment. The implication of wrongdoing is only a hindrance to high office in the ANC if the current cabal wants you gone.
But how is the new speaker going to yell “Order!” if she doesn’t know what it looks like in the first place?
Bold move, Cyril. Bold move ...
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