On Wednesday evening, Cyril Ramaphosa celebrated his 69th birthday with his family, a milestone of special significance as 69 years is also the length of time it takes the ANC to build a functioning power station.
The Presidency wished him well on Twitter, thanking him for “steering our country through these difficult times”.
It seemed a very flattering description of what Ramaphosa has been doing, but I suppose they might argue that even an unconscious person, twitching a wheel left and right as a runaway car careens through a cornfield, is still technically steering the car through the field.
UDM leader Bantu Holomisa also joined in the celebrations, using the opportunity of Ramaphosa’s birthday to get quoted in the media, an achievement that has become increasingly difficult as support for his party has shrunk from small to minuscule to subatomic.
Given how surprised Ramaphosa is by everything, he is clearly getting between 18 and 23 hours of sleep per night, no doubt aided by having to listen to people like Fikile Mbalula during his waking hours.
“We understand he is batting on a wicket which is full of contradictions,” said Holomisa, confusingly deciding to go with a cricket metaphor before making it more confusing by suggesting the existence of a contradictory wicket, which I can only imagine is a wicket that is also not a wicket, much as the UDM exists as a political party while also being supported by almost nobody.
Still, Holomisa spoke true when he said that Ramaphosa “is still a boy and has his whole life ahead of him”. At 69, Ramaphosa is 124 years younger than the average African head of state.
Indeed, to look at the latest pictures of him is to see a man who has aged vastly better than, for example, Barack Obama, a president who became famously grey and haggard during his years in office.
There are some plausible reasons for the stark difference between the two men.
Firstly, given how surprised Ramaphosa is by everything, he is clearly getting between 18 and 23 hours of sleep per night, no doubt aided by having to listen to people like Fikile Mbalula during his waking hours.
Likewise, where Obama was burdened with creating millions of jobs after the Great Financial Crisis, Ramaphosa has been able to focus all his energies on the jobs that matter most to ANC politicians: their own.
Then there’s the warm, soft blanket of non-accountability that Ramaphosa enjoys as an ANC president, reassuring him that no matter how bad his day gets, or what’s on fire, or how many generation units are down, none of it will ever be anyone’s fault, least of all his.
But perhaps there’s a much more banal and practical reason Ramaphosa looks as good as he does. And it’s a reason with a dollar sign in front of it and eight zeroes on the end.
I’m not suggesting that immense personal wealth solves everything. I’m sure there are days when Ramaphosa feels like the walls are closing in. But when the walls are clad in marble and Californian redwood, and roll back to reveal infinity splash pools containing bespoke bonsai orcas fountaining Nutella out of their blowholes, I would imagine the cares of the day melt away as quickly as an ANC ward councillor the week after an election.
No, money can’t buy love or happiness. But when it comes to peace of mind, I suspect having almost $500m in the bank helps just a little bit …
Would you like to comment on this article?
Sign up (it's quick and free) or sign in now.
Please read our Comment Policy before commenting.