CAIPHUS KGOSANA | Santa, please read this. It has gift ideas for our politicians

This is my last column for the year.

What a rollercoaster 2021 was, hey? We are ending it unsure what variant Covid-19 is planning for humankind next.

I like this time of the year. Companies wind down, traffic congestion eases and non-Gautengers trek back to their ancestral homes. Add the holidaymakers pushing trailers and boats down to the coast, and us who get left behind on the highveld enjoy about two weeks of peace and pure bliss.

In my previous life I’d be spending early January in Bali or some other exotic location sipping drinks whose names I can’t pronounce, but travel bans and my bank account have contrived to ground me.

Hopefully, acting deputy president David Mabuza does not lock us up further when he addresses a “family meeting” on Wednesday or before the end of the week. The Cat looks like a fun oke, not a grinch about to steal Christmas. His boss, whose preferred family meeting phrase is “with immediate effect”, is down with Covid-19. Speedy recovery, Mr President; drink some soup, lie in bed and don’t stress too much about us. We’ll be fine under DD.

Talking about politicians, here are a couple of gift suggestions for them this holiday season. I hope Santa Claus reads this column.

For President Ramaphosa, a copy of The Asian Aspiration: Why and How Africa Should Emulate Asia, authored by Greg Mills, Olusegun Obasanjo, Hailemariam Desalegn and Emily van der Merwe. In there he will learn how Asian nations rose from the ruins of colonisation to shape themselves into economic giants which have taken billions of people out of poverty. They did that by adopting the correct policies, being clinical in implementation and dealing ruthlessly with corruption.

The Cat looks like a fun oke, not a grinch about to steal Christmas. Speedy recovery, Mr President; drink some soup, lie in bed and don’t stress too much about us. We’ll be fine under DD.

For Mabuza, The Art of War by Chinese military strategist Sun Tzu. His might not be a military battle, but having outfoxed the RET faction at Nasrec five years ago by going with Ramaphosa for ANC leader, his enemies are surely sharpening their blades in anticipation of another elective conference in December 2022. Or maybe he might just be their candidate against Ramaphosa this time around. Anything is possible in the organisation of Luthuli and Tambo. 

For DA leader John Steenhuisen, a thick skin and a tolerance of criticism. He has blocked just about everyone (including yours truly) on Twitter because the man just cannot stomach criticism, even when it’s constructive. It was embarrassing when he spiritedly defend those awful posters his party put up in Phoenix in the aftermath of the July insurrection, only to backtrack when even its own members publicly criticised the cheap and inappropriate attempt at politicking.

For Helen Zille, a smartphone without the Twitter app. The DA’s iron lady has mastered her own party’s game so that she easily engineered a return to power as federal chairperson. The only person she has not outsmarted is herself, seemingly unable to put the phone down and not alienate potential voters with every tweet. If Zille and Steenhuisen want to know why the DA doesn’t grow outside the Western Cape, they must take a hard look in the mirror.

For Julius Malema and his EFF troupe, an all-expenses paid trip to Venezuela to see how America and her powerful friends deal with a country when they mark it enemy number one and impose crippling sanctions. Venezuela has the world’s richest oil deposits, but its people are poor and hungry, and there’s a shortage of everything, including medicine. The EFF’s extreme version of socialism might look good on paper for them and those who believe in it, but in real life the people who own globalisation frown upon such and heavily punish countries that go down this destructive route. Your minerals are worth zilch if no one is buying them.

For Mangosuthu Buthelezi, a rocking chair in a retirement home.

For ACDP leader Kenneth Meshoe, a brain.

As for the leaders of the other one-seat parties, Santa must buy you relevance. 

For suspended ANC secretary-general Ace Magashule, a white flag. Surrender already, you’ve been soundly defeated.

Happy holidays to all our readers. Please take care, vaccinate and be safe.