TOM EATON | If you want to make a documentary on Zuma, show him the Manyi

The problem with cold-calling “all media houses” with an invitation to make a documentary about Jacob Zuma, as the long-suffering Mzwanele Manyi did on Tuesday, is that you are loudly admitting that no legitimate filmmaker has shown any interest in telling Zuma’s story.

This lack of interest isn’t a huge surprise, obviously. Zuma’s story isn’t particularly original — we’ve all seen The Godfather and Dumb and Dumber — and most of us would rather have stage 6 load-shedding than spend another minute in the company of that man.

Still, Manyi, side-hustle personified, has at least understood that he and Zuma need to aim a little higher than hawking books out of the boot of their car in the parking lot of McDonald’s.

And, to be fair, I’m sure there are many broadcasters that would jump at the chance to buy the documentary, such as Russia Today and the Cartoon Network, and while the former probably doesn’t have a lot of spare cash right now, what with having to brick up all the windows above the first floor in case anyone accidentally falls out of them for reporting the latest Ukrainian advance, I’m sure Cartoon Network would be happy to be in for $50, or perhaps $45 if it came with an audio commentary from Manyi.

Even better, prospective producers don’t even have to think for themselves: Manyi’s invitation outlines exactly what the film needs to feature, including something called an “intense chronological account and narrative of his life as a freedom fighter and political prisoner”.

Unfortunately, however, it seems unlikely that this film will ever deliver on its immense promise, inevitably — and ironically — sunk by a keystone of Zuma’s disastrous reign: cadre deployment.

I must admit that I don’t really know what this is. It’s possible they’re asking for an intense account that runs in chronological order, but given the parallel universe in which the Nkandla gang lives, it’s equally possible that Manyi and Zuma want a story that is intensely chronological, covering not only years but drilling down into months, weeks, days, hours and seconds; an endless, exhausting super-slow motion ordeal that will give viewers a visceral sense of what it was like to live through Zuma’s presidency.

Unfortunately, however, it seems unlikely that this film will ever deliver on its immense promise, inevitably — and ironically — sunk by a keystone of Zuma’s disastrous reign: cadre deployment.

If you or I wanted a documentary made about ourselves, we’d approach a filmmaker or a production company. We might, if we were feeling extremely lazy, send the same email to five or six TV networks or broadcasters. But however lazy or clueless we were, we’d understand, deep down, that if you want a documentary made, you approach people who know how to make documentaries.

In the world of cadre deployment, however, expertise is a handicap. Which is why the subtext of Manyi’s appeal to budding propagandists is clear: having no experience of filmmaking whatsoever will not automatically disqualify you from pitching.

Of course, he explains, “partnering with local/international companies in the film and documentary production [sic] with relevant experience or track record in the industry will be an added advantage”, but as long as you’re a “well-resourced local or international service provider”, it doesn’t seem to matter if you can’t tell a camera from a cadre.

On the contrary, says Manyi, the only thing that prospective bidders really need to be able to do is “demonstrate how they will mobilise resources to make this project a success”.

In other words, if you’re “well-resourced”, and are keen to “mobilise” those resources in the direction of Zuma and Manyi, the job is yours.

And maybe you’ll even make a movie.