Many South Africans are angry that President Cyril Ramaphosa hasn’t axed Thembi Simelane entirely from his cabinet, but perhaps we should pause and consider the many steps that would need to happen between now and the heat death of the universe for her to be fired.
To be clear, at this point nobody knows for sure whether Simelane has dabbled in a bit of light corruption. I’ve read the reports that she was spending over 500% more than she was earning, but this isn’t an indictment in and of itself: as a freelance writer I often experience months in which I spend 500% more than I earn.
Still, all South Africans know where there is smoke there is usually damp coal, and I understand why many were shocked that Ramaphosa chose to keep Simelane in his cabinet.
But with all due respect to them, in order for Simelane to be fired as a cabinet minister, the following would need to happen.
1. Ramaphosa decides he has enough allies. This, of course, is impossible, given that he probably isn’t even the favourite ANC president in his own family. It would be political suicide to discard a loyal supporter like Simelane, which is why he’s removed her from the high-profile justice ministry and plonked her in human settlements, where her main job will be replacing the window putty so that nobody can hear the annoying cries of the poor. For the sake of argument, however, let’s assume that Ramaphosa is willing to cut her loose.
2. Simelane is charged with a crime. This would obviously have to be a big one (being charged with corruption in the ANC does little more than entitle you to be president from 2009 to 2018), so perhaps she might be charged with something genuinely abhorrent to her colleagues, like speaking to the media or doing an hour of overtime without charging for it.
3. The #HandsOffSimelane hashtag trends on Twitter. Because Twitter is now largely inhabited by illiterates with a Bronze Age worldview, many think the hashtag is calling for Simelane’s hands to be cut off. A rival hashtag trends: #HandsOffSimelanesHands. This is now substantially more intelligent than most political discourse in South Africa.
4. Ramaphosa says he will apply his mind to the charges.
5. Three years pass. Ramaphosa doesn’t say anything himself, but unnamed insiders who have spoken to people close to people close to unnamed insiders reveal that there is a growing consensus that the president is unhappy but can’t act unless more damning evidence emerges.
6. New evidence emerges, this time a taped confession.
7. Ramaphosa says he needs to apply his mind to the new evidence.
8. Three more years pass.
9. The National Prosecuting Authority holds a press conference, announcing that it has a zero-tolerance attitude to corruption, and that 2021 is going to be the year of major breakthroughs. When told that it is now 2030, it says it will have to track down a new calendar but that this might take time and it can’t promise anything within the next 18 months.
10. Ramaphosa decides that Simelane should face the ANC’s integrity committee. He summons the committee to assemble but nobody arrives. Confused, he asks his butler where the committee is. His butler explains that it just sort of wandered away two years ago, but if Ramaphosa can wait five minutes, the butler can arrange some stuffed toys around the dining room table. Ramaphosa agrees.
11. The stuffed toys sit silently for three days, their vacant plastic eyes staring at nothing. Despite this, they offer more integrity and leadership than the ANC integrity committee.
12. On the fourth day Ramaphosa asks them if they’ve reached a verdict. One of the rabbits falls off its chair. Ramaphosa nods solemnly. He phones Simelane and tells her that he can no longer keep her in the cabinet. She says, “Sorry, who is this?” The butler anxiously reminds Ramaphosa that he hasn’t been president for the last year, and that President Paul Mashatile says he needs the room.
13. Ramaphosa leaves to apply his mind to his pillow in the guest bedroom.
For opinion and analysis consideration, email Opinions@timeslive.co.za
TOM EATON | Here's how the Simelane saga might play out
For Ramaphosa to axe Thembi Simelane, here's what has to happen ....
Image: FREDDY MAVUNDA.
Many South Africans are angry that President Cyril Ramaphosa hasn’t axed Thembi Simelane entirely from his cabinet, but perhaps we should pause and consider the many steps that would need to happen between now and the heat death of the universe for her to be fired.
To be clear, at this point nobody knows for sure whether Simelane has dabbled in a bit of light corruption. I’ve read the reports that she was spending over 500% more than she was earning, but this isn’t an indictment in and of itself: as a freelance writer I often experience months in which I spend 500% more than I earn.
Still, all South Africans know where there is smoke there is usually damp coal, and I understand why many were shocked that Ramaphosa chose to keep Simelane in his cabinet.
But with all due respect to them, in order for Simelane to be fired as a cabinet minister, the following would need to happen.
1. Ramaphosa decides he has enough allies. This, of course, is impossible, given that he probably isn’t even the favourite ANC president in his own family. It would be political suicide to discard a loyal supporter like Simelane, which is why he’s removed her from the high-profile justice ministry and plonked her in human settlements, where her main job will be replacing the window putty so that nobody can hear the annoying cries of the poor. For the sake of argument, however, let’s assume that Ramaphosa is willing to cut her loose.
2. Simelane is charged with a crime. This would obviously have to be a big one (being charged with corruption in the ANC does little more than entitle you to be president from 2009 to 2018), so perhaps she might be charged with something genuinely abhorrent to her colleagues, like speaking to the media or doing an hour of overtime without charging for it.
3. The #HandsOffSimelane hashtag trends on Twitter. Because Twitter is now largely inhabited by illiterates with a Bronze Age worldview, many think the hashtag is calling for Simelane’s hands to be cut off. A rival hashtag trends: #HandsOffSimelanesHands. This is now substantially more intelligent than most political discourse in South Africa.
4. Ramaphosa says he will apply his mind to the charges.
5. Three years pass. Ramaphosa doesn’t say anything himself, but unnamed insiders who have spoken to people close to people close to unnamed insiders reveal that there is a growing consensus that the president is unhappy but can’t act unless more damning evidence emerges.
6. New evidence emerges, this time a taped confession.
7. Ramaphosa says he needs to apply his mind to the new evidence.
8. Three more years pass.
9. The National Prosecuting Authority holds a press conference, announcing that it has a zero-tolerance attitude to corruption, and that 2021 is going to be the year of major breakthroughs. When told that it is now 2030, it says it will have to track down a new calendar but that this might take time and it can’t promise anything within the next 18 months.
10. Ramaphosa decides that Simelane should face the ANC’s integrity committee. He summons the committee to assemble but nobody arrives. Confused, he asks his butler where the committee is. His butler explains that it just sort of wandered away two years ago, but if Ramaphosa can wait five minutes, the butler can arrange some stuffed toys around the dining room table. Ramaphosa agrees.
11. The stuffed toys sit silently for three days, their vacant plastic eyes staring at nothing. Despite this, they offer more integrity and leadership than the ANC integrity committee.
12. On the fourth day Ramaphosa asks them if they’ve reached a verdict. One of the rabbits falls off its chair. Ramaphosa nods solemnly. He phones Simelane and tells her that he can no longer keep her in the cabinet. She says, “Sorry, who is this?” The butler anxiously reminds Ramaphosa that he hasn’t been president for the last year, and that President Paul Mashatile says he needs the room.
13. Ramaphosa leaves to apply his mind to his pillow in the guest bedroom.
For opinion and analysis consideration, email Opinions@timeslive.co.za
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