It’s Valentine’s Day and in your mind, you’re thinking, “Yup, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got into this situation?” either with a satisfied smirk on your face or soul-crushing disappointment about the way things have turned out.
It’s Valentine’s season and many are thinking about how to make the day more special and memorable for the ones we love, are in a relationship with or want to be in a relationship with. Some of us are bouncing between social media apps to find ideas that will beat the last idea, something my partner might like or make this Valentine’s more memorable than any other.
As I jump around in the social media realm, it pains me to see how many people believe less and less in true love. The prevailing trend consuming most people is that “mjolo wanyisa”, which is Mzansi speak for relationships are an ongoing struggle. The levels of stress are increasing as Valentine’s Day edges closer, with everyone wanting to make a good impression on their significant other. Financial situations are also a topic of conversation, some crying about the Ramaphosa economy that has us all in an affordability chokehold. All this strife and anxiety got me thinking, what is this Valentine’s Day and where did it start? Why do we feel compelled and driven to show special affection on this particular day? In a word, assimilation. Let me explain.
Without boring you with the pre-5th century ancient Roman history about fertility rituals, the name of Valentine’s Day was declared by Pope Gelasius in 496AD in honour of or more strictly, sanctifying Saint Valentine, who was martyred by Emperor Claudius II on February 14. Sorry to have to break it to you, but this Valentine's story was about more than giving each other flowers and letters. The real story is about political and religious ideology coming head-to-head, resulting in the murder of a priest called Valentino.
So how is it that we went from powerful political and ideological statements to modern-day celebrations of love and expensive gifts, you may ask. Well, the popularisation of linking Valentine’s Day to romance is credited to have been pioneered by Geoffrey Chaucer, the 14th-century poet and author. He is also known as “the father of English literature” as he was instrumental in establishing Middle English as a literary language. Through his works he influenced nobles, poets and aristocrats to write romantic letters and poetry to each other around Valentine’s Day. I imagine the emotional sway was much like what we feel today when we watch our favourite celebrity’s public display of affection on TV or social media feeds — it makes us want to act or feel the same way.
So, as the popularity of literature, poetry and written word grew in English, so too did the tradition of Valentine’s Day. Fast-forward a few centuries and most of the world is under British rule, including our very own Republic of South Africa, before it was a independent, of course. We inherited the traditions of the British as part of their colonised territory and indentured labour, we were force-fed all these Eurocentric norms that were not part of our culture.
Sorry to have to break it to you, but this Valentines story was about more than giving each other flowers and letters.
Isn’t it funny then that 30 years after gaining democracy we still cling on to many Eurocentric customs to a point where they cause massive unhappiness and stress, financially and emotionally? I think that as humans we just like to fit in. It doesn’t matter what the origins of the thing are or whether it has meaning today. We simply feel good by doing what others do and keeping up with the Joneses as the saying goes. At the core we are all just nosy neighbours looking at what the other is doing and either try to match it or better it, but we don’t really care to understand why that neighbour is doing what they are doing.
Assimilators and fitters-in, that is who we have become. Whether through conditioning or simple ignorance, but this is who we are. It permeates all the way through our country's leadership and leadership in private sector, it is in every facet of our society. This is why we seldom see original, bold, maverick ideas, projects and direction from our leaders. Perhaps it is not their fault either because they are just acting out however they think the people want them to be. The reality is true leadership, whether in an office or on the home front, requires courage and truth seeking rather than copycatting and going with the flow.
I may not have enjoyed the laborious incongruous state of the nation’s wish list by the president, but one thing I can commend him on is he stood his ground in a very tight spot, where it would’ve been much easier to coddle the powers that be, he stood for the independence and sovereignty of South Africa. Personally, I feel like he could’ve just ended his speech after about 10 minutes into it and called it a night. In that brief moment he did not assimilate or go with the flow. Our president was presidential and clear about not cowering down to “big brothers”. I only wished I had watched that part of the speech and called it a day, alas, I was too curious to see where this revived stance of leadership would lead us. To my disappointment, like a girlfriend who expected flowers and a romantic dinner and only getting a late halfhearted text from an uncaring lover, the president defaulted to fitting in, telling us the same old, same old and promising us thin air. By us I mean the everyday normal joe soap who will not benefit from special contracts from the government. There was nothing radically earth-shattering, innovative or inspiring in the rest of his speech.
It dawned on me that tradition is the death of innovation and evolution. It is an easy way out and a welcomed sense of ignorance that gives us comfort to not want to try new things, look for new ways, seek alternative solutions, because we get stuck in what we know and what we think we know, holding us back from discovering a brave new world. This is true in our relationships, our home lives, at work, in government and private sector and everyday lives including Valentine’s Day. I mean, if that were not the case then how would you explain that after 30 years of living unsegregated lives, we still have rife racial tensions and an endemic inability to unbundle our super concentrated economy from the hands of the few to all South Africans and our lack of industry development from an integrated society? The reality is we’re all just still going along and assimilating in spaces the best way we know how to survive, but as long as we stay here in this place, none of us can ever truly move beyond surviving to thriving, because that would require that we break the mould.
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone, and I’m not saying do not show affection and love to those who tug at your heart strings. I was just saying, we can do better as a people and maybe it can start with loving each other better in the month of love. Don’t just go with it, be consciously available to the cause.
For opinion and analysis consideration, e-mail Opinions@timeslive.co.za
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