Q&A with Melinda French Gates | To transition is a part of being human

In The Next Day, Melinda French Gates opens up about the big decisions she made in her life, and offers a new perspective on dealing with transitions. We asked her a few questions about her new book:

This book is much different than The Moment of Lift. What drove you to write this particular book now?

You’re right, it’s much more personal than my first book. I never expected to be writing something like this, but there’s a lot that’s happened in my life lately that I didn’t see coming. Over the past few years I’ve had a lot of opportunity to think about transitions and how there is something to be gained from even the ones we didn’t ask for. Last year, I gave a graduation speech at the university my two daughters went to, and when I spoke to the class presidents beforehand, it dawned on me that these young people were grappling with some of the same challenges around change that I was. This topic is relevant to all of us — so I thought that in writing about what's been helpful to me through the transitions I’ve experienced, maybe I could offer something helpful those going through a transition of their own.

Transitions seems very different to changes in that there is a deeper involvement of making choices and having a responsibility to yourself. What does transition mean to you?

A transition is the space between an ending and a new beginning. The part in the middle where you’re wondering who you are now that one chapter of your life has ended and you’re not sure what your next one will look like. I think of it as a clearing in your life — a big wide-open space. There’s a lot of uncertainty there, but also a lot of possibility.

Do you think women at a certain age experience a midlife crisis? If so, how is this different to men, and why? And should we call it something else?

I wouldn’t presume to speak for all women, but my personal theory is that for women who choose to become mothers, it’s such an identity shift that many of us have our midlife crises then. All of a sudden, you’re living life in a different body, and your whole world revolves around a brand-new set of priorities. It’s a beautiful thing but it definitely changes you, and maybe it inoculates you against some of the identity crises that set in  later.

Could you expand for us what “The Next Day” is after a transition has been made, and how this presented itself to you.

All of our lives are a series of transitions. We don’t get to choose what happens to us, but we do get to choose our response. What we do the next day is what makes us who we are and how we make our lives our own. And by focusing our efforts there, we focus on what we can control instead of what we can’t.

You honour your parents in the book  wonderfully; how is it different viewing them now at the age you're at?

I am very lucky that both of my parents are still living, so our relationship continues to change and grow. When I want to get back in touch with myself and my values, I go see my parents. Sometimes, it’s what they say, but quite often it’s just being in their presence.

You write about how “in moments of transition, we step into a clearing in our lives”. Could you expand a little bit on this and how it pertained to your recent transitions of divorce and leaving The Foundation?

Yes. During times of transition, we step out of the thicket of our ordinary routines and into an unfamiliar space. It's important to find the courage to linger in this space and see what it has to tell you. I’m trying to pay attention to the people and ideas that enter my life in this season of transition, and see where they could lead me.

Your intention is made clear that you will write about why you left Bill, but not exactly what he has done. Why is that?

You know, I think questions about Bill are for Bill to answer. I write about the divorce because it would be totally disingenuous to write a book about the major transitions in my life without mentioning it. But I tried to walk the careful line of writing only about my experience of that painful event, not anyone else’s.

Taking the pressure off, not sticking to that to-do list, not being the perfect parent, friend, spouse, is what we need to do to grow. How do you struggle with that in terms of publishing a book?

You’re right. I write in the book that over time, I’ve finally learnt to stop cramming my life with to-do lists and goals and to leave some room for spontaneity. I guess the book is an example of that spontaneity. Like I say at the beginning, I never expected to be writing a book like this! This was not in my plans.

You write that the best advice you got from your mom is to “set your own agenda or someone else will set it for you”, and this has become one of your mantras. Can you give one example of when you had to use this in a practical sense.

Definitely. If there is one thing I’ve heard over and over again in my work as an advocate for women and girls, it’s: “Now is not the right time to talk about gender equality.” I’ve been told that if I talk about gender equality, world leaders won’t take me seriously. I’ve been told that if I talk about gender equality, I’ll come across as out-of-touch or irrelevant or whatever else. And I am very proud that again and again, I’ve refused to take that advice. That was one way I set my own agenda — and it’s because I want to make it possible for other women around the world to set their own agendas, too.

Is there any regret leaving The Foundation, especially seeing what is happening now? And also, can you explain what you are doing now? What is Pivotal?

I’m not sure that there has ever been a more important moment to be fighting for women and girls, and I think I’m exactly where I need to be to contribute as much to fighting for women as possible. I started Pivotal in 2015 to work on issues including expanding women’s power and influence and supporting adolescent mental health in the US. Today, we’re also investing in women’s health around the world. The things I care about — building women’s power, creating a more equal future, protecting women’s health and nurturing their potential — haven’t changed at all. I’m just working on them from a different building and taking a slightly different approach.

You include quite a bit of poetry in your book. Was poetry always something you enjoyed and felt inspired by? Do you have a favourite poem?  

I’ve always been a reader, and yes, I think poetry has a special power to translate experience into understanding. Different moods propel me toward different poems, but one of my favourites is the one I open the book with, The Journey by the incredible Mary Oliver. It’s about hearing your inner voice and finding the courage to follow it, something that has been extremely important to me in my own personal journey. 

The Next Day: Transitions, Change, and Moving Forward is published by Macmillan.