An open letter to Malawi's President Bingu wa Mutharika

Dear President Mutharika,

I understand your courts are backed up with shameless degenerates of every stripe, and I wanted to offer my support in these trying times.

Having the likes of Steven Monjeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga up on charges of gross indecency - that is, living together as a married couple - is attracting attention from the wrong kind of people.

No fewer than 65 British members of parliament have signed a motion condemning the trial of these two tail-gunners. Well, they would protest, wouldn't they? Go to Hampstead Heath in midsummer and behind every hedgerow you will find a junkie on his knees lavishing attention upon one or other upstanding member of the House of Commons.

The motion, tabled by none other than Liberal Democrat MP "Big John" Hemming, not only urges the dropping of all charges but also calls for the decriminalisation of homosexuality in Malawi. The cheek of it! Next thing you know, they're going to want to take over the country like they did in 1891.

When your critics get naked in the sauna after a rough "debate" on the floor, I expect they still refer to the old country as Nyasaland. Pardon my French, sir, but to any right-thinking person, that name evokes images of nothing so much as buggery.

You must have been shocked to see the pictures of Tiwonge being arrested in a frilly cerise blouse. Where I come from, not even real women wear blouses. They wear Kevlar body armour and carry bullwhips. If Tiwonge had been paraded to the media in a Batman costume, everyone would have been a lot more sympathetic.

Unnatural practices between males are a clear violation of Malawi's penile code and cannot be condoned. Anyone who countenances such behaviour ought to be given a military uniform and sent off to shoot Taliban children. In the eyes of God, that is the natural order of things.

I read that the prosecution wanted your two bandits taken to hospital to check whether they had indeed performed unspeakable acts upon one another. Did this ever happen? I sincerely hope not. A medical examination of this nature would be highly traumatic and I imagine the poor doctor would have to remain under sedation for the rest of his life.

Your country has an enormous problem with Aids, which, being an educated man, you already know was started by a pair of gay green monkeys in Rwanda. They must have spread it while visiting Blantyre on holiday. Perhaps you should give some thought to prosecuting your monkeys, if you have any left.

Malawi is one of the world's most densely populated countries and this must be a source of immense pride to you and your coterie of red-blooded breeders. You would certainly not be able to crow about this achievement were all the men to run off with each other, blouses or not.

Even though it is smaller than Pennsylvania, yours is also one of the least-developed countries in the world. This is nothing to worry about. In my opinion, development is heavily overrated and too much of it can lead to donor organisations taking their money elsewhere.

Forget about unreliable power, water shortages, terrible roads, external debt, a lack of foreign exchange and an almost total absence of investment. The important thing right now is to ensure - violently, if need be - that men pair off with women, hens with roosters, lady hippos with gentleman hippos, girl mopane worms with boy mopane worms and so on. The International Monetary Fund and World Bank will want to reward you for getting your priorities straight, so to speak.

Given that your subjects have a life expectancy of 50, you will have to move fast to round up any perverts who may be lurking in the closet. It simply wouldn't do to have them escape the long arm of the law by dying young.

I believe that homosexuality carries a 14-year prison sentence in Malawi. Why the leniency? Thirty years of hard labour followed by a public stoning is the only language these backsliding deviants understand.

You are the leader of the Democratic Progressive Party and there are many of us who would like to see you become even more democratic and progressive. You can start by torching the churches, jailing the intellectuals and putting the elderly to work in the fields.

Stay strong, Mr President. And never forget this: There are no righteous men in the city of Sodom.

Backs to the wall.

Ben Trovato