Reasons to be cheerful

Ben Trovato : You won't change, but 2011 has some fun in store

Next year I'm going to give this up. I'm going to make some real money, get fit and have more sex. Next year things are going to be different. Really? Stop dreaming. Unless aliens beam you up to the mother ship and turn you into a completely different person, none of these things are going to happen.

Some people seem to think there are magic spells woven into the end of the Gregorian calendar. They live in an ever-expanding bubble of blind faith, hope and optimism that, come January, everything will be different.

Well, it won't. Sorry to burst your bubble.

The good news is that there are still some things to look forward to in 2011. Here are some of them.

Schools reopen. This applies to parents only.

Your cheques are returned because you keep writing the date as 2010. This allows you to play for time - the only commodity you have when you're in debt.

Murder tourism takes off in a big way and an empowerment company called Hitmen-R-Us lists on the JSE. Shareholders, including me, make tons of money.

Julius Malema gets his matric and comes close to following conversations with Deputy President Kgalema Motlanthe. He recently told US diplomats: "Motlanthe is brilliant - you can't understand anything he says."

Police chief Bheki Cele experiences a mandible malfunction and has his jaw wired shut for six months.

The World Mental Health Congress is held in Cape Town with a focus on mental health in Africa. The keynote speaker is Joseph Kony, leader of the Lord's Resistance Army. During the plenary session, Kony receives an order from God to kill all the male delegates and kidnap the women.

The communist party takes control of the Comrades Marathon. Runners who fail to memorise Mao's Little Red Book and complete the race in six hours are labelled anti-revolutionaries and forced to run back to Durban.

The Rugby World Cup provides everyone with a valid excuse to bunk work and drink, fight and have lashings of casual sex for the whole of September and October.

The Cricket World Cup is cancelled after hundreds of people die of boredom watching the Kenya vs Netherlands game.

The International Olympic Committee chooses Durban as host city of the 2018 Winter Olympics after a presentation involving traditional snacks made entirely of Durban Poison.

Animals on game farms mount a fight-back campaign and wipe out the country's hunters.

Steve Hofmeyr emigrates.

The Eastern Cape legalises marijuana and becomes the wealthiest province in the country. There are luxury homes for all and plenty of jobs for anyone who feels motivated enough to work.

Playboy magazine relaunches in South Africa. Sick to death of the vagaries of women, men really do start buying it for the articles.

Robert Mugabe dies.

Julian Assange wins the Nobel peace prize.

Pakistan launches its first space satellite. America calls off the hunt for Osama bin Laden after receiving information that the al-Qaeda leader is on board.

The Pantone Institute announces that honeysuckle is the colour of the year. Buildings are fenced off to prevent women from jumping to their deaths after they discover that honeysuckle makes them look fat.

Jupiter, Venus, Mercury and Mars are all visible within a 6° area of sky. If this is the only thing you have to look forward to all year, you may want to consider euthanasia.

The 22nd Men's Handball World Championships are held in Sweden. Uruguay's Luis Suarez is named man of the tournament after the player proves that his real talent lies with handball, and not so much soccer.

Doping in all sports is allowed, elevating performances to exciting new levels. A new 100m record of 4.2 seconds is set.

Poland assumes presidency of the European Union. Warsaw's first act is to order the invasion of Germany.

All US troops leave Iraq. They are closely followed by all Iraqis.

The Earth spins off its axis at 11.53pm on December 31 2011.