Swamped by marital madness

Claims that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are planning a secret wedding this month are the final nails in my coffin.

Whether they will go all the way this time or duck out at the last minute is debatable, but all this talk about marriage is no good for a single girl with no prospective husband in sight.

How the hell am I expected to dodge the questioning about my own status at a big family get-together next month?

Every year my family celebrates my grandpa's birthday on my uncle's farm, and it has become the perfect time to catch up on who has a new lover, a new job or a new look. Since I have failed to drag along a man of marriage material for the past few years, the spotlight on my marital status has intensified. There has even been a suggestion that I may be able to share a bedroom in the farmhouse with any beau I bring along, formerly a big family no-no. Can you imagine the faces when I arrive alone again? All signs point to a terrible time ahead.

As the day approaches, all the news seems to touch on the issue of marriage. George Clooney ditches his girlfriend when she brings the matter up; supermodel Kate Moss spent months ringing the wedding bells at Jamie Hince and even damn James Bond actor Daniel Craig snuck down the aisle with Rachel Weisz a few weeks ago!

But the royal weddings must take most of the blame for all this excitement about marriage. One would have been enough to get Aunty Ellie going, but two have turned her into a raving lunatic.

She has collected mementos from all the British royal weddings and they are peppered throughout her home. Sit next to the grandfather clock in her TV room and you are silently observed by Charles and Diana, Princess Anne and Mark Phillips and the Queen Mother. It's eerie.

But the British royals are old hat now - her new darling is Charlene Wittstock. All the excitement over the wedding in Monaco has driven her into a frenzy. She won't hear a bad word about the former Olympic swimmer. If you dare to suggest that Charlene's crocheted white gown was a tad unsuitable for lunch with President Jacob Zuma you will be in for a tongue-lashing. Comment on the revelation that the prince and princess slept apart for their first week in South Africa, and Ellie will no doubt ask me why I have a double bed.

"If you don't get a man soon, you'll be alone for the rest of your life," she'll growl.

It's a tad ironic that Ellie will end up using Brangelina to taunt me. He's 47, she's 36 and they already have a brood of kids. The US tabloids report that the wedding will take place at their chateau in France, which has its own chapel. That's handy.

The couple have long resisted getting married, saying they would do so only when it became legal for everyone - gay or straight. But their kids have apparently changed their minds. Brad said their marital status was becoming more and more of an issue to their six kids. I understand, and sympathise, but couldn't they have held out for another few years? Or until I had completed this year's odyssey to the farm?

The additional excitement over gay marriage will only add fuel to the fire when it comes to me. I can just hear someone commenting that people are prepared to riot for the right to marry while others don't even bother to find a man. The idea that gay rights is about to become an issue on my uncle's farm is mind-boggling, but my family will do anything to get me hitched.

The only sliver of hope for me is superstar Charlize Theron. There are few famous South Africans who can generate more pride than "our" Charlize, the local who conquered Hollywood and won an Oscar. And in a recent interview with Pierce Morgan on CNN she explained her stance on marriage.

Like Brangelina, she maintained during her nine-year relationship with actor Stuart Townsend that she would only marry when same-sex couples could do the same. But now that she is single again, she has admitted that she has no urge to become a bride.

Charlize denies this is due to her parents' unhappy marriage - no, she simply doesn't feel that marriage is important. She believes in long-term relationships, but not in getting hitched. "The actual ceremony is not something that is important to me," she said.

Thank you, Charlize. I know I'm not one of the most beautiful women in the world, with an Oscar in the study and a beach pad in Malibu, but you have given girls out here the perfect weapon to fight off ridicule about not being married. At last my aunt (and her ilk) won't be able to suggest that not being married is a major failure in life.

I'll go to the farm with my head held high. I will not be drawn into an argument about being single, or start pointing out the failures in my relatives' marriages. In a new spirit of reconciliation I will be showing them that single can be happy, confident and carefree. And if anyone calls me a loser or a blonde bimbo, they'll have Charlize to deal with.