Only a mother could love this baby

There's a general pattern to the way I sift through hundreds of tuned cars for your perusal, dear reader.

It's a simple process: search, identify good lookers, research and then compose an article in the style of the one you read each Friday. This is more or less how cars are pimped.

There appear to be tuners who stray on to an entirely separate plane of thought which may or may not go like this: identify a popular car. If it is naturally ugly, investigate other ways to make it even more hideous. Then get to work.

ASMA, the automotive design house, has consistently courted disaster over the years. Previously specialising in Mercedes-Benz cars and always labouring under the illusion that they create automotive art, ASMA have now extended that twisted hand to the Porsche Cayenne, a car which, the world has unanimously agreed, is hideous.

But, surprisingly, it has an appeal about it; a kind of cool aura, which begins with its snout. ASMA creations are easily identified by their massive, highly polished beaks.

They look like medieval shields that will blind any road user coming towards them.

With the Porsche Cayenne, though, ASMA has taken a more regular route and removed the standard curved bumper, replacing it with a specially made, table-sized unit.

It has also followed trends in creating aggressive looks with humungous air scoops filled with black wire mesh.

Tubes of LED lights give the face its contemporary relevance. Along its flanks, the front bumper also boasts side slats that deflect air away from the body while equally massive side-skirting is fitted to create a lowering effect for the car. They are integrated with protruding gaps that draw in air to cool the rear brakes.

A lovely set of dark tinted, multi-spoke 22-inch alloys give a touch of pimp to the flanks.

Its rear is particularly mind blowing. There is no arguing that a lot of work went into this car's above-average body kit but, at times, more is actually less appealing.

The many elongated surfaces, such as the secondary spoiler below the windscreen line, the swollen edges of the tail lights, and the thick outline of a mock diffuser, are the thin line between chic appearance and cartoon cabbage.

Pimping usually goes along with modifying the power unit but, then again, ASMA does not do normal. This Porsche keeps its standard engine - a good move in light of the real threat of a worldwide depression.

With people cutting down on costs, this aerodynamic kit can be applied to any Cayenne of any engine type.