Hogarth: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Number One flying high

Crowds on Durban's beachfront had an apparent early glimpse of what to expect from the ANC poster campaign leading into this year's election.

A helicopter flew a likeness of Number One over the multitudes, some of whom averted their eyes.

Blessed are the ANC supporters, for they know what to expect - that same likeness is already pasted on the lampposts of many a Midlands town in the self-same erstwhile kingdom.

They must be the envy of those in the Desperate Alliance, quite a number of whose leaders and supporters have been asked to have pictures taken, but few know who will make the final cut. Only Sister Leader and current flavour of the moment, Mmusi Maimane, seem to be shoo-ins.

So much secrecy. Who ever knew the open-opportunity society could be such a movable feast?

The lights are on, but ...

Fresh from his nomination (and subsequent trouncing by Number One) in the annual mampara stakes, Public Works Minister Thulas Nxesi provided an answer to parliament this week that some will definitely take at face value.

Asked by DA MP Herman Groenewald to explain the total cost of running that Nkandla property, Nxesi would have us believe that his department "has to date not incurred costs for the running of the property, except for electricity payments".

Does anyone clean the "fire pool" and mind the chicken run? Without them, Number One is in mortal danger.

Hogarth can but hope all the lights were on when Nxesi answered. A lesser politician might by now have been embarrassed by the, let's just say, inadequacies of his previous attempts.

No yarn to spin

Hogarth thought that the Christmas holiday period would get everyone in a jolly good mood, but it seems that members of the Johannesburg Metro Police Department were in no such mood, as ANC spokesman Keith Khoza discovered this week.

Khoza was slapped with a fine for illegally parking his car on a pavement outside a restaurant in Soweto.

Hogarth's colleagues watched as Khoza tried to spin himself out of a traffic fine, but the two officers were unrelenting and proceeded to issue the ticket.

Maybe Khoza should have used the tried-and-tested method of dropping Number One's name.

Jersey Shores meets Durbs

One of Hogarth's "agents" was a fly on the wall at the tackiest of New Year's Eve parties and says he came away feeling ill. The ostentation of the Mpisanes of Durban infamy had to be seen to be believed. From gold-painted chairs in the dining room to the two white Rolls-Royces parked for effect outside their La Lucia home, it all left a bad taste in the mouth - especially when Hogarth's spy had to drive home in the early hours to a more downmarket suburb, once referred to as a "township".

As for the happy couple, butter would not melt in their mouths - but it seems there was plenty of pork to go around.

And if you think he was exaggerating, take a look at the party pictures elsewhere in this newspaper.

Balls-up in a clash of titans

Hogarth's favourite cricketer was once a nifty rugby player. A Hogarth colleague whose memory stretches back to Noah recalls that Jacques Kallis, while at school, turned out at flyhalf for Wynberg Boys' High first XV.

On Friday night, Kallis returned to his winter pursuit, so to speak, by playing for the Proteas against the Springboks.

The last time a similar clash took place at Newlands cricket ground was when Morné du Plessis, another of Hogarth's favourite sportsmen, bowled for Western Province in a Currie Cup match against Natal.

Du Plessis, a great Springbok captain and later team manager at the 1995 Rugby World Cup, was not exactly in the Dale Steyn league. In one over, Barry Richards hit 28 runs off Du Plessis' bowling. This prompted someone at the game to suggest that his presence in the WP team was merely to counter the giant Natal fast bowler Vince van der Bijl at the back of the lineout.

Write to hogarth@sundaytimes.co.za