Warnings of aquatic kung-fu proved false: all you need is a sedate breaststroke and a mad grin to survive the Midmar Mile, writes Rosa Lyster Like most people, I am a lifelong opponent of getting kicked in the head. I have always known it's a bad scene.What I only recently learned, however, is that I am also violently opposed to hearing the words: You're going to get kicked in the head.There are a few variations on this theme. You're going to get kicked in the face so bad. You are going to get kicked in the head one hundred times.It's a horrible thing to hear. No one had ever said anything like this to me until I decided to swim the Midmar Mile, and then it was all anyone wanted to talk about. I would tell someone that I had signed up to do it, and they would assure me that I was in for the head-kicking of a lifetime.story_article_left1This seemed to be most people's impression of Midmar: everyone churning up the water and pounding on each other, and in the middle of this turmoil, almost despite themselves, somehow swimming a mile. I had always pictured it like this myself.So I'm not sure why I decided to do it, except for a vague, New Year's resolution-inflected sense that I should probably get more exercise. Even if the swim itself was scary, I thought, at least the training would be good for me. Also, I would realise the satisfaction of setting a goal and sticking to it. I hear this is beneficial to the soul.And it was. I swam in the sea nearly every day for a month, and did many lengths in the outside pool at King's Park. I got myself a goggles tan, and slightly better muscles.mini_story_image_hright1Still, I worried. What if I was turned back halfway, as in the Comrades? I was not clear on the logistics of this, but what if a man in a speedboat came and hooked me out of the water with a stick? Sorry, he would say, you are simply too slow.Should I wear a gum guard? How far, actually, is a mile? I aired these concerns and did not receive much reassurance. The advice I got concerned head-kicking. I was told repeatedly not to panic, which has always had the effect of making me panic harder.I was not told that I would end up having a great time.Of all the terrible outcomes I pictured for myself, none included being in the middle of a dam on a very beautiful morning, doing that sedate old-lady breaststroke and grinning my head off. Yet this is what happened.The Midmar Mile is the biggest open-water swimming event in the world. There is a lot of promotional material attesting to this fact. It seems as if they're going on a bit, and then you get into the water and come to see the point of it. You stand chest deep in the water, race number written on your arm and think: Here I am, swimming in the biggest open-water event in the world. Get a load of me.The big secret about swimming a mile is that it's not that difficult. A child could do it - the hundreds of little kids who swim Midmar every year will attest to this. It's hard to win, of course, or to swim it quickly. This takes effort. I watched the main men's race later, and it looked pretty brutal. Everyone swimming so fast, and kicking each other in the head nonstop, I bet.mini_story_image_hleft2But doing what I did - trawling slowly from one end of a dam to the other, trying not to smile too much at the hundreds of lifeguards in case they thought I was making a coded cry for help - is easy. Possibly contrary to the Spirit of Midmar, but still. Easy as anything. But don't tell anyone that. Just tell them you swam a mile, and watch them reel in astonishment.This is a difficult world, and unqualified successes are hard to come by. Swimming a mile is a small and achievable goal which nevertheless has the effect of sounding impressive.This is reason enough to do it. All sorts of people said how proud they were of me. I got clapped on the shoulder a million times, and I got a medal! Everyone who swims gets a medal, but still!I should say here that if you have problems with crowds or being told what to do, or if you chafe against an atmosphere of scarcely believable wholesomeness, then the Midmar Mile is probably not for you.For everyone else, though, I give it two thumbs up. It is a fun way to spend a morning, and then when you've done it, you will forever be a person who has swum a mile. Get a load of you.PS: I didn't get kicked in the head even once...