New dad and old-time comedian, Chris Forrest puts the funny into fatherhood.
1) Parenting is the art of distraction. Learn to distract your kids as soon as it looks like something may go wrong, or even after it has gone wrong. This helps avoid tantrums and tears.
However, if your child is actually injured, don’t show them their favourite toy or offer them ice-cream, take them to a doctor.
2) When changing nappies, make sure the business end is covered at all times. Babies like to build up pressure, which they release as soon as there is nothing covering their backside.
story_article_left1
3) Put a bath mat on the floor next to the changing station for all those times you forget to cover the business end. It is much easier than cleaning the carpet.
4) Practice pretending to be in a really deep sleep. This will hopefully result in your partner doing the 2am nappy change and feed.
5) If you want to read books on parenting, do it during pregnancy. Once the child is born, you’ll be too sleepy.
6) Once you’ve read books on parenting, take a moment to accept that your child didn’t read the same books.
7) If you are a sports fan, indoctrinate your children early. Make sure they enjoy watching football or rugby, even if it means feeding them chocolate during matches for positive reinforcement. This way you don’t have to argue when a game is on at the same time as Paw Patrol.
8) During “suicide hour”, feed your child chocolate or other sugary treats, ensuring a sugar-high and crash at bed time, making your life much easier.
9) Most importantly: Don’t take any of these tips or anyone else’s tips too seriously. Trust yourself; you know what’s best for your child.
Forrest's one-man show Who’s Your Daddy? runs from May 31 to June 18 at the Auto & General Theatre on the Square in Sandton.
Just R20 for the first month. Support independent journalism by subscribing to our digital news package.