9 tongue-in-cheek parenting tips

26 May 2016 - 02:00 By Chris Forrest
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New dad and old-time comedian, Chris Forrest puts the funny into fatherhood.

1) Parenting is the art of distraction. Learn to distract your kids as soon as it looks like something may go wrong, or even after it has gone wrong. This  helps avoid  tantrums and tears.

However,  if your child is actually  injured, don’t show them their favourite toy or offer them ice-cream, take them to a doctor.

2) When changing  nappies, make sure the business end is covered at all times. Babies like to build up pressure, which they release as soon as there is nothing covering their backside.

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3) Put a bath mat on the floor next to the changing station for all those times  you forget to cover the business end. It is much easier  than cleaning the carpet.

4) Practice pretending to be in a really deep sleep. This will hopefully result in your partner doing the 2am nappy change and feed.

5) If you want to read books on parenting, do it during pregnancy. Once the child is born, you’ll be too sleepy.

6) Once you’ve read books on parenting, take a moment to accept that your child didn’t read the same books.

7) If you are a sports fan, indoctrinate your children early. Make sure they enjoy watching football or rugby, even if it means feeding them chocolate during matches for positive reinforcement. This  way  you don’t have to argue when a game is on at the same time as Paw Patrol.

8) During “suicide hour”, feed your child chocolate or other sugary treats, ensuring a sugar-high and crash at bed time, making your life much easier.

9) Most importantly: Don’t take any of these tips or anyone else’s tips too seriously. Trust yourself; you know what’s best for your child.

Forrest's one-man show Who’s Your Daddy? runs from May 31 to  June 18 at the Auto & General Theatre on the Square in Sandton. 

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