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The next big thing in online dating

Paige Nick feels there's a sore lack of innovation in the world of online hookups

30 July 2017 - 00:01 By Paige Nick
'Swiping right' was the last big online dating innovation.
'Swiping right' was the last big online dating innovation.
Image: iStock

Remember what a huge breakthrough online dating was when it hit the scene in 1995? Before that we had to meet the old-fashioned way - out buying melons, or your number got taken down off the back of a toilet door in a bar.

A whopping 17 years later, in 2012, Tindering was invented. In which you pick a match at best by looks, at worst by the simple convenience of their location, directly proportionate to booty call hours and alcohol consumption. Since then, nothing new. Crickets.

We've advanced electric cars and invented cronuts, and we should be living on another planet by next Thursday, but in the hooking-up department, that's all there is.

So what will the next big innovation be?

Maybe it will be that your best friend picks your dates for you. My friend Jen pulled a dress off a rail for me that I would never ever ever have looked at twice, but I now love it so much, I wear it every day and twice on Sundays. But that's not much of an innovation.

What if the new thing in dating was honesty?

I believe dating websites are the original source of Fake News and I blame them for our current global political situation. Before kissabillionfrogs.com or swipeadouche.co.za, or whatever portal you're shagging your way through, it wasn't acceptable to lie. Only criminals and con artists did that. Then suddenly we had to describe ourselves to strangers online and all hell broke loose.

Not only did we accept that bad behaviour, we rewarded it, even encouraged it, by going on a date with it, sometimes even giving it a blowjob. And look where that's landed us. You lying about your height and income, and me lying about my weight and age, has ultimately resulted in The Big Orange Baby, and Zuptagate.

Could honesty be the next big thing? Are we all just moments away from admitting that we're only average-looking and our thighs rub together when we walk? You could admit to your porn addiction, or the fact that you're looking for a blesser, and all that honesty would be sexy. Your potential partner would admit they'd rather be with someone average-looking because being with a hottie is too much pressure. Or that their willy isn't huge but they have enough cash to make up for it.

Just think of all we'd save not having to wait for the fourth date when all the wine and truth usually comes out. OK, so honesty it is. Either that or we wait until Elon Musk comes up with something better. I hear he's dating again.