What kind of w*&nker doesn't care about ethics in porn?

Ethical porn. I doubt a bigger oxymoron exists. Given the heavy issues that have dogged the industry, it's a ticklish topic - not sexy ticklish, the other, more uncomfortable, kind.

The term first appeared when people started seeking out sustainable, considerate alternatives for most things. It's the sexual equivalent of pasture-raised beef, organic eggs and vegan everything. We want our penises and vaginas ethically sourced, hand-reared and grain-fed. I only fear the day vegetarians stop offering cunnilingus.

Basic ethics should be no-brainers and non-negotiables, unless you're an utter tosser, which much of the porn industry is, so no surprise these aren't always a given. The rights, safety and mental health of any performer of any gender has to be a priority for production houses and viewers.

But outside of law and humanity, other issues are proving how fluid the definition of sexual ethics is.

The website ethical.porn offers guidelines, but notes that they're just suggestions. I suspect they're nervous to lay down laws because it's a sexual minefield.

Who's to say what should or shouldn't float your boat or tick your box? People get turned on by all sorts of boats and boxes, so one specific body can't decide what we should or shouldn't fantasise about.

VANILLA

If we let the internet loose on porn ethics, there wouldn't be much left to film. People online get outraged at an old sock if you give them half a chance, especially one with jizz in it. Somebody somewhere will find something problematic in any scene, no matter how vanilla.

But with pornography, what you see isn't always what you get. Something may look unethical to the naked eye, but you don't know what film or porn tricks were used to create it.

Plus, what's sexy to me might not be ethical to you. Take massage porn: you could question the coconut oil, whether it's organic, how many coconuts were killed to fill the bottle - and speaking of the bottle, have you seen our landfills?

A tame example, but judging someone's taste in porn is almost as loaded as judging the porn itself. No matter how ethical something is, it will never be ethical enough for everyone.

This column is case in point. It's bound to pee off someone, which is different to peeing on them, something I make absolutely no judgment about.

We could turn to academics and feminists to define ethical porn. They've suggested banning promotion of rape culture, building consent into narratives, and diversity - not just showing the skinny, big-boobed and well-endowed. As well as fair, equal pay (porn might be the only industry where men earn less than women).

Valid points, but their opinions are problematic. The porn industry doesn't want outsiders' advice. I've seen furious commentators defending their industry, saying they want to figure it out themselves. Although it's hard to take someone seriously when their name is Roger Mesilly or Spanky McSpank Face.

MONEY SHOT

But, left to their own devices, what's to say the porn industry won't continue in its own best interests, following the money shot wherever it takes them.

So if we can't rely on the industry, internet or academics, the onus is on us to seek out performers who are open about working conditions, or pay sites that offer ethical porn. Paying ensures you get something mindfully produced. Although I doubt we'll ever get a critical mass willing to fork out for it when there's so much sex out there for free.

So next time you settle down to enjoy the boob tube, remember, you get what you pay for.