It has been said that the mark of a gentleman is one who takes his weight on his elbows. I'm sad to say that because it's 2017 and we've lost sight of all that is good about the world, we may well need to add another clause to that maxim: a gentleman is also obliged to remove his FitBit before doing the deed.
How many of us have had the experience of getting between the sheets with someone, only to realise that they're witnessing a solo show? Selfishness in bed is, I'm sad to say, all too common. And if things weren't bad enough? Lo and behold, there's another way to ruin what should be a mutually gratifying pursuit. The FitBit.
For the uninitiated, a FitBit is an activity tracker which measures your physical movement over the course of a day, telling you what your heart rate is, how well you slept and how many steps you've taken. While many FitBit fans are perfectly inoffensive, there is also something of an epidemic of FitBit-bores.You'll see them marching ostentatiously on the stop while they wait for the office kettle to boil, or trotting up and down the train platform in the morning, as if an extra 45 seconds of movement a day is going to stave off heart disease.
These people have convinced themselves that their friends care how many steps they have taken or what their heart rate is. For the avoidance of doubt, literally no one does. But what's worse than a FitBit bore who wears their tracker to the gym? A FitBit-bore who wears it during sex.
Yes. Really.
NOT BOWLED OVER
One such bore is renowned cricketer Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff, who admitted this week that he likes to wear his FitBit in bed because it "makes him try harder".
Oh Freddie. Poor, sweet Freddie. And more importantly, poor Freddie's wife, Rachael, who made it very clear that she hates the FitBit, saying: "Things are happening and then your husband's wrist is flashing telling him his heartbeat and how hard he's working. It's really wrong. It's putting me off though. It's like you're seeing it as another training session rather than anything else. It's really not nice."It would be admirable that Freddie wants to "try harder" during sex, if it was in the hope of making sex a more pleasurable experience. Sadly when it comes to sex, trying harder does not mean doing it harder. More aggressive thrusting does not, nine times out of 10, equate to better sex. In fact it often leads to much worse sex and I've never met a woman whose idea of a good time is a man climbing on top of her and ploughing away until his wrist starts buzzing.
Who's he satisfying, you or his FitBit? Of course it's admirable to want to become a better lover if the intention is to give more pleasure to the person you are in bed with. But the FitBit is a distraction from that goal. It turns your sexual partner's body into a training ground and makes sex into a competition - one that you are having with yourself and really doesn't have a winner in the end. It's not just men who are guilty of this.
Women's magazines have been publishing cutesy breakdowns of how many calories you burn in a sex session, by position, for decades. If you want to burn calories, take a High Intensity Interval Training class. If you want sexual gratification, go to bed. Please don't try and amalgamate the two.
SHE'S NOT A SEXBOT
I can attest that when I've slept with athletic men, there has been a real tendency to see sex as a workout, and a demonstration of virility and strength. An ego trip, of sorts. Making you orgasm isn't about giving you pleasure, it's about winning. If you're audibly raising the rafters he'll be pleased, not because you've enjoyed yourself but because it's tangible proof of his achievement.Being good in bed is making sure that the other person enjoys themself. It means ensuring that their pleasure is real and abundant, and that they feel exhilarated and satiated afterwards. So please, guys everywhere, leave the FitBit on the bedside table until you're finished, because none of those are things that can be measured by a wrist watch.HOW THE FITBIT WORKS
HEART RATE TRACKINGLEDs on the underside of the Fitbit reflect light on the skin to detect blood-flow changes.
STEP COUNTING
Motion detectors interpret different forms of movement such as walking or running.
SLEEP TRACKING
Sleep mode begins when you have not moved for an hour, while motion sensors detect when a user is restless...