Escape plans: how to avoid awkward family convos this Christmas

Once again it's that time of year when your joy at the prospect of waking up around noon on a regular basis is tempered by the dread of finding yourself in conversations that you would be much happier avoiding.

Whether it is a rambling chat with that one cousin about his/her revolutionary new business idea, or awkwardly sitting through a harangue with your grandfather about "the gays", awkward and unnecessary social interactions are the price we pay for a few weeks of free time with the family.

Here are some of the chats you are likely to encounter over this festive season - and a few evasive manoeuvres for when you need to escape:

'ISN'T IT TIME YOU SETTLED DOWN?'

You have crossed the threshold of 30, finished your degree and have a stable, though inadequate, income. The family has gotten together for lunch and while you load your plate with food, you spot your mother and aunts plotting.

"This can't end well," you think as you shuffle towards your spot at the table. It doesn't. Before the first morsel of food has tumbled down your oesophagus you are being bombarded with questions of what happened to that nice girl and why you don't just settle down and start a family.

They probably mean well but a public discussion about your love life is no one's idea of fun. To escape this one, you've got to be pre-emptive. As soon as you spot the plotting, veer towards the children's table or decide you need something from the kitchen and only return when someone has loudly brought up politics.

THE POLITICS DEBATE

South Africans love to talk about politics and when I say "talk" I mean loudly pontificate to one another.

The festive season is generally when people have enough time and whisky to take a turn on the family soap box - and that will be especially true in light of the ANC conference.

In and of themselves there is nothing wrong with in-house political discussions, but let's not pretend that actual discussions are what will happen. It will just be a lot of loud circular complaining about whichever political party people don't like. Invariably it will take hours.

If you don't have time for that then take a completely nonsensical stance, like telling everyone you are a staunch supporter of the Ubuntu Party. It doesn't need to be true, just ridiculous enough for everyone to decide that you're not taking this seriously and leave you alone.

FAMILY GOSSIP

Initially this is going to sound like a lot of fun. Catching up on the various nefarious goings-on in Uncle James and Aunt Nobuhle's life is great - until it all gets rather catty and you realise that if people are having these conversations about their relatives, there is a very good chance that your confidences are also being whispered somewhere.

And don't fool yourself into thinking this is gender specific. Your dad and uncles aren't spending four hours huddled by themselves discussing Orlando Pirates.

If you need them to leave you alone, chime in with increasingly outrageous lies about people they like. For example, how Aunt Thembiwe is having an affair with Leon Schuster in which they re-enact her golf fantasies.

CONSERVATISM

Let's be fair, family of any description contains members whose viewpoints were considered progressive in 1936. Whether it is that one great-aunt who has been a housewife her whole life and blames promiscuity on women not being in the kitchen, or that uncle who thinks "the gays" are responsible for earthquakes, everyone has that relative who makes you cringe when they talk about certain groups of people.

You could try educating them but chances are they are old dogs more interested in telling you that Nigerians are stealing our women than they are in learning new tricks.

And if it is a grandparent with whom you have a whole respect dynamic, it may just be easier to let your eyes glaze over and your head nod at whatever point auto pilot suggests.