The recent unveiling of Barack and Michelle Obama’s official portraits earlier this week predictably produced a tsunami of digital opinions on the works in question.
Given that Twitter is rarely a place for nuanced critical analysis, I thought it best to weigh in with some thoughtful, extremely credible and not even vaguely bullsh*t analysis of the two portraits.
BABY GOT BARACK
Sometime last year former White House press secretary, and sleep-deprived Jelly Baby, Sean Spicer found himself trying to awkwardly slip away from reporters by disappearing into the unoffending hedge behind him.
Despite Obama's similarly snug proximity to the bushes in his portrait, escape is not a theme in this painting. Instead, the lush tranquil green shrubbery enveloping him represents the fact that after eight years of dealing with Republicans, the former president is finally relaxed.Behind his dreamily focused glance, plans for some late-night intimacies with his wife chase each other around his brain like libidinous teenagers. His shirt is undone and his weight seems impatiently perched on the edge of his seat. In this portrait we see an image of the former US president that we have become familiar with, a man ready to spring into action.MICHELLE-IN STAR
Throughout her reign as First Lady, Michelle Obama exuded the kind of grace that would have given a woman surnamed Kelly a green tint. Still enmeshed in an aura of magisterial cool, Mrs Obama's eyes hint at something more accessible - desire.
Like the Obamas themselves, their portraits cannot be thought of as existing separately from one another. They are a pair and when hung are designed to face each other.
Once you envision the two lovers, ogling one another across a mid-sized lobby at a boutique consultancy firm, it all becomes clear. These are portraits of lust at its most regal.
The use of muted tones indicates that Mrs Obama is calm - for now. Both are clearly still stuck at an event that requires a certain level of decorum but their body language and their eyes, in particular, are singing Marvin Gaye songs...