Look, don't look? A urinal etiquette guide for the modern man

Trips to public bathrooms are generally unpleasant experiences. Shorn of the consideration people would normally show for private residences, people use public bathrooms as a space to allow their dirtiest habits free reign. If you want to add awkwardness to this experience, pop into the men's room and use the urinal.

A lot can go weirdly wrong when a group of men with exposed privates occupy the same small space, hence we thought it may be useful to write up a little urinal etiquette guide. One would think this kind of thing would be self-evident, but supposedly self-evident things rarely are.

SPACING

If your boss or a colleague stands too close to you at work, it’s creepy. The same applies when you're queuing at the ATM, or when someone comes to sit next to you in an empty cinema. So why would it be any different in a public bathroom? If at all possible, allow an empty urinal to fill the space between you and the next person.

SPLASH ZONES

One of the reasons spacing is so important is because not all urinals are created equal. Some don’t have barriers between them, which can create problems for the neighbour of a forceful urinator. It's not a competition, so if your porcelain pee catcher does not have barriers decant yourself considerately. No one wants to go through the mental anguish of being splashed by someone else’s pee.

CONVERSATION

Striking up conversations with strangers can be fun but is it really necessary when said stranger is trying to expel the last three beers he just had. What could you possibly want to talk about at that moment? Even if you know the person next to you, wait until everyone’s trouser snakes are tucked safely back in their cages before chatting.

EYES FRONT AND CENTRE

Have you ever had that feeling that someone was watching you? It feels weird doesn’t it? Kind of like a pervy ghost is tickling your spine. Imagine that feeling as it relates to your meat. There you are innocently pouring the recycled contents of a Heineken bottle into a urinal when you get that pervy ghost feeling. Gross. Find another way to confirm whether or not the rumours are true.

• This article was originally published on SowetanLIVE; visit the SMag section for more great lifestyle reads.