Not just a college: 5 really useful things we could do with Nkandla

25 July 2018 - 15:31 By tymon smith
Former president Jacob Zuma's homestead in Nkandla. File photo.
Former president Jacob Zuma's homestead in Nkandla. File photo.
Image: Thembinkosi Dwayisa

With EFF leader Julius Malema’s new campaign to have former president Jacob Zuma’s Nkandla homestead repurposed as a technical and vocational training college, here are some other suggestions for new uses for an old problem.


Thanks to former Police Minister Nathi Nhleko’s wonderful video demonstration, we all know that one man’s swimming pool is easily another man’s fire reservoir.

With its spacious grounds and location in the rolling hills of KZN, Nkandla may be the perfect site for a new training facility for the dedicated fire fighters of the republic; lessons could be set to the soothing sounds of O Sole Mio.

A demonstration of the 'firepool' at Nkandla. File photo.
A demonstration of the 'firepool' at Nkandla. File photo.
Image: Rogan Ward


Alternatively there’s always the option of using the firepool as a swimming training facility for the next batch of Chad Le Clos, Cameron van den Burgh and Roland Schoeman hopefuls. 


Nkandla has all the facilities needed for a psychiatric clinic – a guard house on the main road, four on its perimeter, a surveillance room, state-of-the-art perimeter control and a clinic. Where better to go when you’re mad as hell and just can’t take it anymore than the country’s ultimate source of rage and indignation? 


Described by General Mondli Bethuel Zuma as “a soil retention wall,” the compound also includes a structure that to the untrained, non-engineer eye suspiciously resembles the amphitheatre much needed for the revival of the country’s Greek Tragedy Society.

In between choruses and deus ex machinas, tired thespians can relax in the pool and treat themselves to much needed revitalising snacks from MaKhumalo’s tuck shop before returning to the business of Oedipus and his mommy issues.


Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of city life, marriages and relationships take strain and we forget to take the time to show how much we care. Fear not though, for now there’s a place of magic, fantasy and livestock where you and your loved one can rekindle the fires of passion and thanks to the convenient firepool, put them out if things get too steamy.

Head down to the Nkandla compound of love and learn the valuable lessons that a master of the subject — and his many wives — are ready to impart. R50.5-million per couple, terms and conditions apply.